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  • "tamjam68" is no longer a member of FZ
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Monday, January 10th 2011, 9:09am

10 year old daughter help. :-(

Hiya, just need to get some things off my chest and wondering if anyone has the same problems as me with their 10 year old daughter. Well dunno whether Im just being a bit over sensitive being pregnant again, but she seems so selfish and ungrateful , everyone elses mums give their kids more and are better than me, thats the way things are coming across, the peoples kids up the road have 5 children, their house leaves a lot to be desired and the kids arn't very clean but they get £500 each for christmas, I find this unbalievable and would never in a million years give my kids that much, its not needed and just makes them greedier. My daughter then asks how much shes getting (which I wont tell her). she looks at me as if im the worst in the world. :sniff: Their cupboards are full of rubbish , chocolate ,cripsps, cakes, and packet stuff and they constantly gorge on it. But my daughter seems to think thats great and I am a bad mum because I dont have all that kinda stuff :tear: , I have it as a treat but not a daily thing, I keep fruit ,veg and cereals for snacks. They always get a pound a day to spend on sweets each, which I wont allow. She always compares me to the other mum and with other kids mums at school if they have something she doesnt. This morning we went shopping before school and because I wouldnt let her buy tissues for £1 (she didnt need them ) I am crap again. I dont know what to do , none of my other children were like this, they have always been grateful for everything and if they got something extra they were over the moon, I know her and her brothers father was like this, with his parents and when i was with him ( used his fists if he couldnt get his own way ) hence the reason I am not with him, I assume some of his genes have rubbed off on her. I always try to appeal to her better nature and we do lots of stuff together but stuff that doesnt cost a lot of money. Im a bit at the end of my tether and it upsets me and she has made me cry several times ( which I dont show) as I feel like she doesnt love me and would rather have someone else as a mum. :tear:


Is she just trying to push boundaries ? or does she really hate me :tear:

we did think about jealousy as I am pregnant but she had started this before our ivf journey, and we have included her in everything even giving me the jabs. But I have noticed a pang of jealousy now and again when the baby thing is mentioned. But shes 10 and she doesnt need to be jealous she will be involved in everything.

Please someone tell me they are going through the same thing. :xxx3: :xxx3:

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Monday, January 10th 2011, 9:22am

Hi Tam Jam

i have no experience of having kids but i can refer to my own experience, my mam gave birth to my brother when i was 9 and i had been an only child up until then and i tried pushing the boundaries, and i dont think i was necessarily jealous i just didnt like the change in our routine! i must admit i was a tad spoilt when i was younger and that didnt necessarily stop when my brothers came along but i did go through an acting out stage as i adjused to the idea of having a brother, the second brother i had however i was over the moon when my mam gave birh to him and i sort of started to mother them a bit lol.

give her time, she just needs to adjust to the idea thats all, she wont adjust until the baby actually comes though and im sure she will fall head over heels in love with him or her! i have the best relationship ever with my brothers now, im 23 and they are both 14 and 15 and they are like my best friends, they look up to me now and respect me lol, im like a cool big sis! we had our share of arguements when we were growing up dont get me wrong but now my mam looks at me for guidance sometimes as one of my brothers has behavioural problems and i seem to be the only person he will listen to. she will love it when your baby does come along, but i wouldnt be surprised if she tried to take over being the mother neither, again this is a phase and you just have to firmly stand your ground

she doesnt mean anything what she is saying to you when she gets angry like that, i used to tell my parents i hated the ground they walked on and everything when i was acting up but i promise its just a phase! and every child always brags and exagerates about what they get off their parents for xmas so i wouldnt take their word as gospel. its all about popularity now and being the coolest kid, when she gets a bot older she will realise the way she was and be embarrassed, i still am now and hate it when my bratty days are brought up! remember too that shes possibly just starting the early stages of puberty so her hormones are probably raging too!

keep ya chin up, she doesnt hate you at all, she probably hates that these kids are saying they get £500 quid and is channeling that hate towards you as a way of releasing it
xxxx


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Monday, January 10th 2011, 9:28am

Hi Tamjam,

I think that a lot of children can get like this (when I was 10 I got a bike for Christmas and instead of saying wow thanks I said "but it hasn't got stablisers!" and then sulked all day). The mum down the road is a kids dream, spending ridiculous amounts of money on toys, yummy junk food on tap and daily money for extra sweets she's obviously trying to be a friend to her kids rather than a parent, parents aren't always popular because we have to make the hard decisions rather than just the good ones. Of course your daughter loves you if she's unwell or hurt it's not the woman down the road she will want it is you, she's lashing out and she's picking you because she loves you. Talk to her, next time she has a tantrum sit her down and talk to her about her behaviour, explain why you are making that decision so that she understands you're not just saying no for the sake of it, listen to her replies though.

10 year olds are at a funny age, they're out of the child stage but they're not yet adolescent and they can feel like no-one listens to them (which is often true) so listen to her answers and address what she says calmly (easier said than done). If she says something that hurts you then let her see it, not necessarily by crying but by looking hurt and saying "what you said was really unkind and you hurt me?". Above all stay calm - which is sometimes not that easy especially when pg.

It could also be that she is worried about how the new baby will change your relationship with her, she's worried that she might get pushed out. Does she know that she is going to be involved? maybe, when you start to buy stuff for the baby you could take her with you and ask her opinion on what she thinks are the best to buy, you don't need to take her choice every time but make sure that sometimes you do go with what she chooses so that she feels like you're listening to her and she's fully involved.

My friends 10 year old was exactly the same as you describe but now she's 14 she's lovely so they do grow out of it.

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Monday, January 10th 2011, 10:00am

Ditto everything Grace just said.

They are at a funny age because they think they're big and grown up when in fact they're still 10.

My SS used to be like this sometimes but I just did what Grace did. I'd sit him down and talk to him like an 'adult'. By the end of it he'd be agreeing with me because I explained more.

It does sound like the Mum down the road is trying to be a friend and is buying her kids rather than earning their respect.

I would say maybe try spend more 'girly' time together, doing 'grown up' things, so maybe a sleep over with face masks and do each others hair. That way rather than see you as 'bad mummy won't let me have all the bad stuff' she'll see you as 'fun mummy who does cool stuff with me!'

And anyway, if she can afford to give her kids 500 quid each she needs to maybe spend some of it on healthy food instead.






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  • "tamjam68" is no longer a member of FZ
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Monday, January 10th 2011, 11:11am

Thanks girls , as I have said I have 4 older ones that never did this so its quite hard, all your advice will help thank you :xxx3: maybe some more girlie time together. lurve I suppose with all the ivf stuff me and DH spend more time talking and going to appointments and stuff. So deffo need to try and include her more, we have talked about when the baby/babys are here she will be my right hand girl and loves all that kind of stuff and is looking forward to it. I find when I try to sit her down and talk to her she just has a blank expression, says yes has a hug and then goes off a again, but I feel shes not listening. Shes quite a grown up ten year old in some ways but still very childish in others, she has 4 older siblings and I think we have all spoilt her when she was younger, what I said no too she ran to them for and we had let it slide a bit. so it may take a little longer to sort it out. My daughter insists on playing with the children so its hard for her not to see all that stuff, And its hard to keep them apart. Thanks for all your reassuring words :xxx3: :xxx3:

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Monday, January 10th 2011, 1:50pm

If she was aware of you having IVF it's also worth considering that she may have been secretly afraid that all these injections and doctors visits meant you were actually ill but not telling her, a 10 year old might not be fully capable of understanding the IVF process. Now that it's over and your pg all the worry and tension she was harbouring is coming out of her as anger and hostility.

Most kids will blank you if you try to sit them down and talk to them but it's the action of doing it that counts. Make sure that you are on the same level as her (same eye level so if she's sitting then you sit), you could hold her hand or touch her arm/shoulder as you talk so that you are maintaining contact - always hold eye contact even if she doesn't - she may not look like she's listening but she is. Once you've finished talking to her rather than letting her go off suggest something you could do together (if you can) like flic suggests something girly, if you don't have time it doesn't have to be something big just a video for the 2 of you to watch or you could go and make cookies/muffins/hot chocolate or something (much healthier than bought versions as you can reduce sugar levels and put fruit in them (I use honey rather than sugar as you use even less and honey isn't as bad for you)).

The lady down the road is saving up a whole heap of trouble for herself, when her children are older they are going to either be fat and spotty with no idea of healthy eating habits (and thus become obese adults) or they will be so accustomed to getting what they want when they want it she will totally lose control over them - you could point this out to her when your daughter is 16 and doing well at school and hers are running riot.

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Monday, January 10th 2011, 2:51pm

Most kids will blank you if you try to sit them down and talk to them but it's the action of doing it that counts.


A mum of four who I know recommends doing this in a car so you are not facing each other and there is a end to the journey so a limit on the conversation. She finds information goes in better and arguments are avoided, it also avoids the pressure of 'sitting down to have a chat about it' whilst still getting the facts across.

Oh and it sounds to me like you are a great mum and that she is just doing what some kids do. I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. Now can you please come back and reassure me when mine are 10 and behaving like this?

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Monday, January 10th 2011, 3:19pm

You can send your daughter to me if you like. I do all the things you do but with the added bonus of expecting my daughter to wash up, load the dishwasher and clean the worktops three times a week in exchange for the money she needs to pursue her hobbies. Nothing in this life is free, nothing is handed to us on a plate and we all have to put in some hard work to have nice stuff or do the things we like doing. That's life and the sooner we can teach our children these valuable lessons the less chance they have of growing up in a dole queue or sat on their backsides accepting state handouts. My two daughters hear thatparticular little speech on a regular basis but rather than preaching it to them they hear it and accept that 'we' are doing these things to better ourselves.

We also have friends who have ridiculously spoiled children and my eldest (age 11) is often included in conversations about how having material things and wasting money actually isn't that cool... and that we're lucky to have what we 'do' have. I also discuss things clearly and relatively. I'll say that I earned X amount of money last week and then something cost X amount. My daughter will be shocked when I say that the gas bill is £100 when she's thrilled to get £10 for her birthday for example. I make no bones about spending £50 on a tank of diesel and letting her know how gutting it is handing over that amount.

I suppose what I suggest is to get talking to her about these things as though you and her are on the same team. Sure, it would be nice to spend £500 on her at Christmas but you (the family, not YOU) don't have it. If that means showing her your bills for the month and your income then do it. As for the junk food, remind her how attractive she will be when she's obese and tell her that she should thank you for protecting her figure.

And last, stop feeling bad about it. You're doing great, you're just hormonal and once you're not feeling fragile you'll be a hell of a lot stronger about this stuff.

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