FertilityZone

hi,
just wondered if anyone is in a similar situation.....all lo's grandparents smoke, my mum and mil. So when she was born i obviously asked that no one smoke anywhere near her, wash hands, to wear smoking jacket if they need to smoke outside and not to hold her for at least half hour after they have had a cigarette.

Now lo is alomst 8 months old it seems GP's think i'm been a neurotic mother cos i still want them to continue with the above.

My mum thinks its ok to smoke at the door as long as she's blowing it outside....i don;t agree so i avoid going to her house. All GP's smoke in their houses so i despise going round cos even though they don't smoke when lo is there u can still smell a smoking house. Today we went to mil's for the first time in months (they usually visit us but dh wanted to make an appearence) but the house smelt of stale smoke and i started to get a headache so if it gave me a headache then its not the sort of atmosphere i want lo in. I felt so uncomfortable for the short time while i was there and worried about what it was doing to lo.

My dh thinks i am over the top and doesn't see the problem as long as they are not smoking while we are there. But i'm really not happy taking my baby to a house that smells of smoke from previous cigarettes. last night i said to him i'd prefer it if his mum came to see us rather than us visit with lo at her house but he just said i can't stop him taking lo to see his mum. its not that i want to stop my dh doing anything with lo, i just hate the thought of her at mil's house when she smokes in her house when we're not there.

I fall out with my mum all the time about my smoking 'rules' cos she thinks i shouldn't be so stringent now lo is 8 months old. but i just think if she really wants to spend time with lo then the least she can do is wear a smoking jacket and smoke outside and not cuddle lo straight after a cig. i'm sick of hearing 'it won't do her any harm'.....sometimes i wonder if i am been over the top.

So i was just wondering if anyone else has lo's who's GP's smoke and what your rules are?

I really think the love of a GP is important in lo's life but whats more important - protecting my child from the risks of second/third hand smoke or the bonding between her and GP's.

I just feel really alone and fed up with having to worry about it everytime a GP wants us to visit or come over.

am i been unreasonable perfering GP's to visit lo at our home rather than at there houses as seen as though they smoke in their own houses.

i got back from mil's today and i felt so uncomfartable that lo had been there that i changed her clothes and my own. even though they don;t smoke when we go over u can tell they had been smoking in there earlier and i felt like it was clung to our clothes.

i just feel like i'm falling out with everyone about smoking near my lo ...including my dh who wants to be able to take lo to visit his parents...

i also find myself making excuses for lo not to stop at any of her GP's houses overnight as i don;t want her sleeping in a smokers house. i know that mil would think nothing of having a crafty fag in the living room while lo was in bed upstairs cos she used to do that with her other granchildren.

i guess i just needed a rant too but it is starting to get to me this on going battle about smoking when i feel that the smokers should help protect my lo and keep there habit to theirselves

any advice greatly appreciated

hi dusky
thanks for your reply hun.
i get so worried about the smoking thing. i hate anyone near LO after they have had a cig, it drives me mad. at first people respected what i asked but now they have started to cause arguments about it with the 'it never did u any harm' thing.

when i went to mil today i could smell her house as soon as i walked in. its totally gross and i hated been there with lo. i think i'm just going to have a huge argument with dh about it if thats what it takes and say its best if his mum comes to see us (which is what she usually does anyway). i think he just wanted to make an appearence but it bugs me that it doesn;t bother him to take lo there when it stinks so much from second hand smoke.

my relationship with my mum has gone really bad sinse the birth of my lo as she just doesn;t get the smoking thing. she thinks i'm trying to stop her bonding with lo which is totally ridiculous.

sorry to hear your in the same situ hun cos it really is upsetting isn't it

huge congrats on the BFP hun and wishing u a happy and healthy pregnancy xxx

hi ladies and thank you so much for all your replys.
It really means alot to have reasurance i'm not been a neurotic new mum!
I've been abit fed up today cos me and dh had a row about it this morning. Basically been at his mums house for 2 hrs yesterday gave me a headache and i've felt quite wheezy sinse. I'm not been a drama queen - it really is that stinky in his mums house as she is a heavy smoker. I'm not bothered about how it made me feel but it really worried me about what it might have done to lo. I was really annoyed that he darn't upset his mum by asking them to us next time rather than us visit her. It is his daughters health we are talking about so he should be more bothered about that than upsetting anyone.

I don't expect my mum or mil to stop smoking in their own houses, i just wish they'd understand why i'd rather them come to us. I also dread the day they want to have lo overnight cos i really don't want her stopping in a house of a heavy smoker even though they wouldn't smoke if she was there. They don't get that there houses are still smokey cos there previous cigs cling to everything.

Its harder with mil as i think it should be dh that explains as i've done so with my mum. His mum and sister all smoke infront of there children though so they really do think i am over the top and fussy.

Anyway i've told dh i will fall out with anyone if it concerns my daughters health as i feel so strongly about it. I will just make sure that mil comes to us to visit cos i am just not happy taking her to a smokey house. Mil has a right to smoke in her own home when we are not there with lo and i wouldn't dream of saying otherwise, but i have a right to protect my innocent daughter from passive and 3rd hand smoke.

Mimi m- it is very interesting that adoption don't allow smokers to adopt lo's younger than 5. I thought there might be some regulations like that. I def need to get some literature together and maybe put it together and email it to my mum. She just needs educating but she doesn't believe what i tell her.

Blessed- ha...yeah men don't like upsetting their mums but its very annoying when its my daughters health thats at risk....grrr! I have fallen out with my mum and we're close usually but my daiughter comes first now. My mum fell out with me cos i didn't want to visit her while she was glossing too...sometimes i think she just likes to wind me up!

Well i feel better that no one has told me i'm been ridiculous. All i ask is that smokers do it outside and i'd rather not visit a heavy smokers house or have lo stay there overnight. I am actually an ex smoker myself and stopped when ttc so i know its hard to stop and i wouldn't expect them to stop....i just wish they'd respect my wishes about visiting lo.

Does anyone have an suggestions for when mil does ask to have lo overnight? How can i politely tell her her house is way to smokey? I don't want to upset her but it really is like stepping in a tap room in the days when people smoked in pubs.......

Thanks for all your replys xxxxxxx

polly pocket - thanks for that link hun. yes i have got the birth to 5 book, i will dig it out and have a look. there's actually loads on the internet about second hand smoking too but i think my mum prefers to skip them bit when she's doing her googling.

chilli - i wouldn;t mind L stopping out if it was for babysitting purposes, like if me and dh were going out it would be nice to know L was safe with GP's and we could have a lie in every now and again. i just can't do it though as both sets of GP's have smokey houses. my mums house is prob the better of the 2 as she does try and air the house out with windows open, but mil's house is just gross. she chain smokes with sil with windows and doors shut so even though they don;t smoke when we are there u can still smell it really bad. i had to change L's clothing after been there 2 hours so the thought if her been there overnight would drive me crazy. thats a good idea about suggesting they have L for a walk or something. next time dh is off work rather than him take her to his mums i will suggest they go to the park together or let his mum take her to the park. i'd feel much better about that. i used to do that with my mum but she would moan that L fell asleep in the pram so she wasn't bonding with her....there's no pleasing sometimes!!

flic - i did tell dh to grow some when we were rowing. i was annoyed i am prepared to stand up to my mum (and she's not the easiest person the disagree with) when he's too scared of upsetting his mum over protecting our daughters health. it wound me up cos i think his daughters health should have come first without a doubt. he said i now made him feel uncomfortable taking L up to his mums....but i said he should feel uncomfortable taking her up there anyway with it been so smokey! does your mum smoke in her house when you are not there? its the thought of the lingering smoke from hourse before is around that bothers me too. i would like L to stop at my mums when she's older and have fond memories of GP's but i just don;t feel comfortable with it while my mum smokes in her house. my mum also smokes upstairs as well as down stairs.


i've not spoke to my mum sinse she fell out with me on fri night when she called me neurotic for not taking L over while she blows smoke out of the kitchen door! i am standing my ground on this one though. my nephew (dh's side) is only 3 and is half deaf in one ear as he has had ear infection after ear infection and i can't help but think it won;t have helped sil smoking while she was pregnant and then they all just smoke in the other room when he's about (rather than outside). also most of my nieces and nephews have had asthma at some point and i just don;t want my L brought up like that. so they think i'm fussy cos i wouldn;t be happy with people smoking in the kitchen while L was in the next room.

its so hard. i really hope my mum comes round cos i know she loves L....i just don;t think she gets it that smoke lingers and causes harm.

thanks again for all you replys ladies xxxxxxxxx

ah flic that makes a world of difference that your mum doesn;t smoke in her house. i don;t think smokers realise how much their houses stink if they smoke in there homes as they just become used to it so thats why my mum and inlaws don;t see the problem as long as they arn't smoking while we are there.
i've actually been doing some googling and smoke from a cigarette lingers for up to 3 hours after it is put out....i know my mum and mil smoke more than 1 every 3 hours so just imagine the build up...urggh!
thanks for sharing your experience hun, it sounds like your mum is doing all she can to protect her grandaughter :-))

Hi again peeps.....

i've been talking to dh about mil's smokey house and my own mum still isn;t talking to me.....i feel like i'm up against everyone at the moment and all i want to do is protect my precious lo's health.

apparently mil didn;t have a cig for a good while before we went over on saturday yet i still found it too smokey. so my point to dh was that just cos they don;t smoke when we are there doesn;t make it right and even though they are trying to make things better for L to visit its still to smokey so i would still rather them visit us than my daughter go sit in what i think is a smokey house.

so is the general concensus in here that u wouldn;t take your lo's to a house of a heavy smoker even if they didn't smoke while u are there with lo's? i just can't see a compromise that will make us all happy as mil is bound to want L over at her house at some point in the future and her daughters don;t see a problem with her smokey house so i think they just think i'm been awkward.

i don;t know if i'm been paranoid but i had a headache all saturday while i was at mil's house and when i got home. then the next morning i started with a sore throat and i've had a cough sinse. maybe its a coincidence as dh and lo have had colds for the past couple of week but i was fine until i went and sat in a smokey house. it just really worries me what it might have done to L and when dh wants to take her over there again i just won;t be comfortable with it. i just know this is going to cause arguments......

how can i say to mil.....'well actually even though u didn;t smoke before we came over with L i still thought your house stunk of stale smoke'.... in the nicest way possible? i don;t want to fall out with mil but i will do anything to protect my daughters health.

feeling really fed up about the whole thing as me and dh are the only non smokers in our family so everyone just thinks i'm been daft/awkward/neurotic/OTT......

bells - thanks for the reply hun. i think referring to their house as still smelling 'strong' sounds better than saying it stinks i agree that i probably worry about it more as she is a babe in arms. her lungs are still developing ect and i'd hate to think if she got asthma i could have prevented it. i just want to protect my lo in the best way possible.....but without her missing out on her granparents.

taxi - hi hun. I absolutely agree that your friend or my mum/mil shouldn;t have to stop smoking in their own home inbetween our visits....i would never ask that of them, its not my right to ask them to change how they do things in their own house when my daughter isn;t their. i just wish they would understand how smokey it is from a non smokers point of view so it does worry me that L is still breathing it in as its still in the air. i think i might have to get dh to ask that they open the living room window next time so at least the house has had a good airing. tbh, mil does visit us more than we visit her ut the times we do visit it is very smokey. i dont know if i've mentioned but i am actually an ex smoker myself so i know how hard it is to give up....but i had a good incentive in that i wanted to get pregnant now i can't stand the smell and it makes me feel sick....i'm prob one of those annoying ex smokers that now hates smoke..lol. thats the thing about the scare mongering too....everyone knows that passive/2nd hand smoking is so bad, its the 3rd hand smoke where the research is a bit squiffy but then i'd hate to take a chance with l's health.

one thing i don;t want to do is make it hard for l's grandparents to see her ect. so i think the way forward is i'm just going to have to risk offending and ask dh's mum to air her house out abit more (even when i was a smoker i never liked going over cos it was so smokey and i don;t think they ever have windows open) and just try and get them over to us more than we go to them. as for my mum well i'm still not happy with her wanting to smoke in the kitchen and blow the smoke out of the door so i'm standing my ground there.................

at the end of the day i just want to protect my lo but i don;t want to come between her relationship with her gp's either.... its a hard one.

thanks for all your replys.