Sleep advice for one twin who won't settle

Janniewall

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Saturday, October 13th 2012, 11:03am

HELP!
My little girl is really good at going to bed (after a few delaying tactics such as milk, potty, cuddle, kiss) but after about 10 mins I can tuck her in and she sings to herself before falling asleep. She did go through a spell of waking up numerous times during the night but that has now passed. So basically she is a dream.

Oscar, now he is a nightmare. He has never settled without me cuddling to sleep. Luckily about 6mths ago that progressed to him lying next to me on the sofa, then I could put him to bed when he went to sleep. However for the last 3mths since he got irritable hip and could not walk for a few days and still has a stiff leg (but getting better). He takes from about 7.30 to 9pm to settle on the sofa, he plays, chats, is a general nuisance, then as soon as I go to bed (usually about 9.30 because I am exhausted) he wakes up and refused to settle himself back to sleep. He immediately cries at the top of his voice for me. I run to get him to stop him waking his sister and basically from then on, he will ever settle in bed with me, or demand to be taken downstairs to be settled on the sofa again, whichever of the two, he refuses to go back to his bed, as soon as I get near his room he shouts no, no,no even though I am certain he is asleep, if I keep going he just starts screaming. So basically every night he is in bed with me from 9.30 until morning and tends to sleep ok, waking a couple more times but settling if he sees me. My DH is always in the spare room.

So basically my DH and I get no time together. Due to having 30mins between Oscar falling asleep and me heading to bed we don't have time for dinner, so I grab a sandwich, chocolate bar, crisps - just pure rubbish, my diet is making me even more tired and grumpy.

Please ladies, I need advice. DH and I have a very strong relationship, but I miss his company. I want a little bit of me time in the evenings.

I would dearly love advice on how to get Oscar to settle himself. I want to put him to bed at the same time as Emilia and then hopefully have a couple of hours to do work, ironing, spend time with DH. Plus how to get him to settle himself when he wakes during the night. I don't think putting them in separate rooms and do controlled crying would work because he cries so loudly and would wake the neighbours never mind Emilia!

Worth noting, he has a transitional toy, called Bartle who he cuddles, but that alone will not settle him back to sleep, even thou he needs that as well as me there before he will go back to sleep.

Please help. Any advice would be so gratefully accepted.
Jan

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This post has been edited 2 times, last edit by "Janniewall" (Oct 13th 2012, 11:05am)

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kirstin

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Saturday, October 13th 2012, 11:52am

It is so difficult with twins as you can't let them cry and they soon know that. Alana goes to her cot no bother and goes to sleep herself but I had to move lia into the spare room as she keeps wakening up during the night. I put lia in her cot and stay until she falls asleep but if she wakens up she will cry for me. I have a double bed in her room and when I go to bed I lift her in with me so she won't waken me up. I know this is wrong but it is the only way I can get some sleep as if I don't she usually cries just as I have drifted off. We all have to do what is best for us and all kids are different and so are their needs. I just feel that this is a very short stage of their life and while she needs me I will be there. I would definitely try to keep him upstairs as he will only be stimulated too much. I am hoping to move the girls back in together when they go into their beds and are a bit older with a better understanding. It is difficult and we all know what we should do but anything for a quiet life. Lia is particularly clingy to me at the minute so not much I can do as I don't believe in stressing her out. After our hols lia refused to go into her cot so I got her a new mobile which done the trick and I now get a few hours to myself in the evening which are invaluable . Good luck with whatever you decide x

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This post has been edited 2 times, last edit by "kirstin" (Oct 13th 2012, 11:56am)

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LalaZig

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Saturday, October 13th 2012, 12:06pm

Hi Jannie

So sorry you're having a tough time getting Oscar to sleep. Here is my advice, it my sound harsh though - you can choose whether to try it or not

I think you're going to have to start putting him to bed and letting him cry. I know you'll immediately say 'I can't, he'll wake E' but I heard good advice last night that once E has been asleep for 20 mins but O to bed as she'll be in a deep sleep and shouldn't be woken by him. I know it seems harsh to let him cry but he needs to learn to fall asleep himself. Meg has always been a good sleeper but a few months ago she started hating going to bed. It was awful. We ended up sitting with her but it just made things worse if she woke in the night because she'd forgotten how to settle herself. In the end we bought a Peppa Pig nightlight to add to the bedtime routine and made a big deal about Peppa and geroge being there and she could turn the light on when she went to bed etc. She kicked off big style to start with, screamed, made herself sick etc - i started by siting in the next room and every few minutes would gently say through the door 'Meg, it's ok, Mummy is here, it's bedtime now' and she'd shout 'No Mummy!' and scream but eventually would settle. I then progressed to sitting downstairs rocking like a mad woman, wanting to rush up and see her but after a few nights the crying got less and now 2 months later she's happy to go back to bed again.

You know when you put him to bed he is safe. No harm can come to him. Yes he will cry, he will get distressed but he will eventually realise that everything is ok.

Hope you dont think I've been a harsh Mummy to Meg, I just realised in the end that she needed to go back to basics and learn to sleep again on her own and she has done now luckily!

Good luck huh, text me if you need anymore info X

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Redwillow

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Saturday, October 13th 2012, 1:50pm

Hello I am a qualified nanny and have delt with this a number of times it is similar to what Lalazig said but a little bit slower where you put him to bed kisses and cuddles and do what is called a gradual retreat. You sit on the floor near his bed the first night and put your head down NO EYE CONTACT he will scream and cry but you just keep your head down and every now and then just say sush its only bedtime. On the first night it may take a while but he will start to calm down then you leave the room. The next day you sit a little further away and so on. If he wakes in the night you do it again just sit with your head down again. It is hard and will take a week or two to change but you should see improvements each night.
Another thing is he different if dp puts him to bed and if so get him to do it till he gets in the habit of sleeping in his own bed on his own.

Also add something to bed time maybe twinkly lights for some reason children find these very soothing.

Hope this is of some help. It will not be quick but if you are consistent it will change.

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hmcfeather

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Saturday, October 13th 2012, 3:26pm

I know it's not what you want to hear hun but I totally agree with lalazig and redwillow. My girls still sleep in the same room and occasionally wake each other up but in the main even if one is in full meltdown over something the other sleeps straight through. I thunk twin parents are always scared of the other waking so react too quickly to any noise.

For your relationship with DH sake you need to get him to settle on his own and there is no real easy way other than controlled crying or gradual withdrawal. You know he's not hurt and that he is just adjusting to a new routine by throwing a tantrum to see if you give in. The crying as hard as it is on you will do him no harm. It's just v difficult to listen to.

Good luck and you need to PM me please do xx

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Janniewall

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Tuesday, October 16th 2012, 1:13pm

Thanks for all the advice ladies, I know it can't go on and I have to take the bull by the horns and deal with it.

However, first attempts not really gone too well. Over last few days I have tried doing the gradual retreat - on Saturday night he was up 6 times before 2am (and that also meant that Emilia was up most of the night too because she did not sleep through his yelling), on Sunday night he vomited and last night he got a nose bleed , so all in all not a great success and he has ended up in bed with me every night because I became concerned that he was getting too upset and I did not want to stress him any more (or me for that matter).

One positive, Emilia slept solidly from 19.30 until 07.15 last night because I decided to introduce a reward chart and told her that if she stayed in bed all night and only got up when she saw the sun on the gro clock, she would get a star for her chart. She started chirping mummy, mummy, mummy as soon as she saw the sun - and I did hear her say star a few times during the night, so she was obviously checking the clock. I don't think Oscar is mature enough to understand the concept of the reward chart, in fact I think it stressed him out even more because every time I said that he would get a star if he stayed in bed all night he just said 'No, mummy's bed'.

We will keep working on Mr Clingy, but I can see it is not going to be easy. I am not giving up though.

Hey ho. I am sure by the time he is 18 he will be sleeping in his own bed!

Thanks again and BGE thanks for the FB link - I am going to have a good look at that tonight.

xxx

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biggreeneyes

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Wednesday, October 17th 2012, 6:58am

Hi Jannie,
I joined you to the fb link by the way. Hope that's ok?

Sorry it didn't go too well so far with the gradual retreat. O sounds like My DS in many ways. They are more in need of feeling close to us in many ways. My DS also doesn't get the reward thing yet either, I think girls may mature a bit faster in that way, who knows.

If I were you, I would start using gradual retreat just at bedtime to get him used to going to sleep in his own bed, gradually move further every other day or 3. Font worry about in the night, let him still come in with you.. Take it slowly, it won't work if he's getting distressed. Once he has learnt to Go to bed in his own bed again and you are outside of his room, then start with nighttime. If you need to rub his back or tummy at first in the night, do it. It's all about being slow and gradual, he will gradually learn he s actually ok. I found with my DS that once I was by the door, still in his room, I was actually distracting him when he wanted to go to sleep so when I said good night, I didn't say, I'll just be over here of you need me, I just started saying, I'll be in the next room if you need me and it worked. You can always go a little backwards if you move to fast for him and he's not ready for the next step. I know it feels like it takes ages and it kind of does. DS is still coming into my bed at night as I keep choosing sleep over keep getting up and sitting in his room, but I KNOW I have to do it soon too! What I found good about the approach, other than it being gentle, was that you see progress (albeit small) every couple of days as you move a little further away.

Good luck sweetie xxxx