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  • "Janniewall" started this thread

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Sunday, May 5th 2013, 8:16pm

Will this stage pass.........

Dear All, I need your help and support again because I am feeling like the worst mother in the world at the moment and just not sure if I am on the road to a breakdown...........

Both Oscar and Emilia are really pushing their boundaries at the moment, they are 2.5 yrs old. I get reports back from nursery most days that they have either been hitting other children or pushing them, then running to each other for protection. They do not gang up on other children, in fact they push and hit each other frequently too. They also argue back constantly and say NO or WHY constantly to the nursery teacher, me, everyone...........

Oscar has turned from the cuddle, soft boy into a determined character and I think that his sister is reacting to his new found assertiveness by really trying to fight her corner too, it is as though there is a constant battle for power, with me in the middle trying to keep the peace.

Our days start with them refusing to take off their PJs, then refusing to eat breakfast, refusing to get in the car. When I pick them up from nursery they refuse to get in the car unless I buy them a lollipop, so it takes up to an hour to leave the carpark due to constant battles to get them into their seats, we get home and they sit at the table eating dinner for about a minute before they get off their chairs and go to play, with me chasing behind them trying to feed them, we then fight to get them undressed and in the bath, they scream getting their hair washed. They refuse to get their PJs on then trying every delaying tactic to not go to bed. Emilia is also refusing to use the potty, which means at least one daily accident - I don't constantly ask her if she needs the toilet but every time I do she shouts NO, even if I know she needs to go and she point blank refuses to go before going to bed, which is still leading to bed wetting.

I just feel I negotiate with them from one end of the day to the next. I loose my temper more often than I like. I put them on the naughty step, but they don't see it as punishment because the other one just goes over to the one on the step and taunts them, so I have to constantly pull them apart with the one doing the taunting then getting furious and it deteriorates into a battle ground.

I am really starting to question my ability to be a mother. I try my best, but I am exhausted. My new job is more demanding than my last, full-time also means working most nights after they toots are in bed for a couple of hours just to try and stay on top of things, so I have no time to myself, I cannot even manage to find time to buy groceries and can't remember the last time I cooked dinner for hubby and I, we live on bread and butter, or crisps, I am in a country where I know nobody and my husband is often away or working late. I just don't know what to do. I have this picture in my mind that every other parent of twins/singleton have perfect, well behaved children and somehow my two have turned into little devils and I don't know how to stop them fighting with each other and being so defiant with me constantly.

I am lost as to what to do, because it is really hard to enjoy parenting when it feels like a battleground 24 x 7. I cannot even take them to the supermarket with me because oscar refuses to sit in the trolley and demands to be carried, so I have to push a trollery round holding one child and pushing the other. If we go to a cafe, they sit for 2mins then run around and I know other people in the cafe are just tutting at us. So I end up just staying at home with them to save stress.

Help, please please help.
xx

Jannie
Aug 09 - IUI - BFN
; Oct 09 - ICSI - BFN; Jan 10 - ICSI cancelled;
DICSI in Valencia Mar10 :BFP:
Jannie's Diary
Oscar and Emilia born 8th November 2010

This post has been edited 5 times, last edit by "Janniewall" (May 5th 2013, 8:21pm)


gemmab

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Sunday, May 5th 2013, 8:31pm

A couple of things if you don't mind me butting my nose in!!!!

First you are not a bad mother you are doing a fabulous job coping with two children who have got to the age where they know their own minds, what to assert themselves, what all the attention and know exactly what buttons to push.

Second what comes across is the negotiation. Now I know it's easy to do it cause it gets results but it really will not work long term. They need to do the things just because you are telling them they need to do it not because they get rewarded for it. Oscar obviously knows how to get what he wants by getting carried round the supermarket. I had my son screaming at a market for 45 minutes the other day but I paid no attention to him and didn't give him what he wanted. I think you need to say no and stick to it however hard the consequences are. If people want to look and stare let them!

Third and I could be wrong cause I don't have twins are they finding with them being the same age and you working more that they feel they aren't getting the attention?

Fourth is it possible that the nursery can separate them so they don't bounce off each other?

Fifth- can you change where the naughty step is? We used to have to do the settee cause kaynan loved sitting on the bottom step cause the dogs would play with him lol

I hope you don't feel I am talking out of turn and I think it would be great for someone with twins to come and give you some advise. I will ask heather if she can.xxxxxx

ICSI 1 Apr 08-m/c 9.5.8
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Sunday, May 5th 2013, 9:14pm

Oh hun you are NOT a bad mother. You are the mother of twins who are pushing the boundaries at the moment with you. That doesn't make you a bad mum it makes you are tired, working mum who is struggling a little at the mo. I promise you every mummy never mind twin mummy feels useless and cross at some points.

Try not to worry about the nursery pushing and hitting thing. I have had the same and I through it back at them an asked them what they did to sort it out and to my mind they are the Childcare professionals who you pay a fortune to look after your kids so try not to stress. To this day I still get the odd bad report about my more boisterous twinnie. I also have difficulty getting mine out of nursery with my losing my cool at times wig them charging about whilst others seem to have kids that happily run to their parents and leav quietly!! My mum calls my two my lively pair.

Disciple wise I have found using counting 1,2,3 with then putting them on to the naughty step usually works really well. I make sure if one is out on the n step that the other is not allowed near the one on the step. If it meant that I stood in front of the door stopping my twin from reaching the one on the step then that's what i did.

It might crazy but I play on the competiveness between them over really praising good behaviour and ignoring the one who is playing up. I still make a really big deal out of their good behaviour. It took me to be really consistent with them tithe start of them playing up so that they knew the limits. It doesn't take them long to learn I promise.

Negotiating does work with small stuff that doesnt really matter but I would try not to use it too much when you are resetting your limits.

Twins are hard work at times and my two fight the bit out at times but i try my best to not interfere too often because you can't spend your life being referee. I only step in if it's really getting too rough or they are not sharing at all. They are fab company for each other and when this phase passes they will be able to entertain themselves leaving you time to make dinner etc.
Heather

PCOS and Blocked Tubes
1st IVF - Dec 08 BFP
Twins Girls Born August 09 : D
Shock Natural BFP - Oct 12
Baby Girl Born June 13 : D
Shock Natural BFP during DR!! - October 14
Baby Boy Born June 15 : D
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Hmcfeather's Diary of My Brood

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Sunday, May 5th 2013, 9:48pm

Posted in case i lost it!!

One of my girls became a nightmare about getting dressed an everything was a battle of her not liking what I chose. It was very stressful. She wanted boys socks and nothing remotely pink. She refused long sleeve t-shirts even when it was freezing outside. I was really frazzled and cross so I gave in slightly. I bought her boys socks, and in the morning give her a choice of two different outfits so she feels like she has some choice. It has helped. I know what she likes and she wears a small range of clothes that get washed loads!! She hates wearing a coat so i dont fight with her over it in the mornings just bring one to nursery and I know she wears it there when they go out to play. Maybe it isn't right but somethings i just can't be bothered to fight over. I figure there are some things that are worth it.

Meant to say about nursery you will find that other kids are also pushing etc but the assistants won't tell you about other kids who are doing the same.

This phase will pass. Does your hubby know how you are feeling. I work full time on variable shifts as does my DH so at times it feels like we are passing ships but we make a point of makin time for us. We go to the cinema during the day whilst girls are at nursery or out for lunch. It keeps us connected and reminds us that we love each other and that is lovely amongst the hecticness that is our life.

Life will always be busy with twins and changes from week to week. Twins are hard work but loads of fun I promise. You will get there hun and if you are consistent with them you will start to enjoy it again. It won't work for every parent but the 1,2,3 works brilliantly with mine. Also when we go out to lunch/dinner i always bring a small rucksack each with colouring in books and pens to keep them amused while waiting.

I did spend a period around 2.5 when i literally spent every mealtime in the toilet as each one of them wanted to go for a wee/pop/wash hands/just go for a dander but that's passed too thank goodness : D

Feel free to PM me anytime. Remember you are a fab mum who is just a bit tired at the mo xxx
Heather

PCOS and Blocked Tubes
1st IVF - Dec 08 BFP
Twins Girls Born August 09 : D
Shock Natural BFP - Oct 12
Baby Girl Born June 13 : D
Shock Natural BFP during DR!! - October 14
Baby Boy Born June 15 : D
Another Shock Natural BFP!
Baby Girl Born January 17 : D
Hmcfeather's Diary of My Brood

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Sunday, May 5th 2013, 10:32pm

Firstly, I've not read everything through because I've had FAR too much wine. But I agree with what hmcfeater said, you are absolutely NOT a bad mother. You are working very hard and trying your best. I have no idea what it must be like when you have 2 children at the same developmental stage and if i was wearing a hat I'd take it off to you. Being a mum is HARD and you are doing a great job. And yes, you are doing a lot of negotiating and IMO a lot of parenting is not negotiable. There are times when you have to say 'this is what's going to happen because I say so' and the you have to make it happen, which is really tough. A trick I use is to say 'if you don't do X when I get to 3 then Z will happen' then start counting. Z has to be something you are prepared to carry out (at least the first few times anyway). Nowadays I just have to say "one..." and it works. Usually. I like the fact that they get to choose whether they do as I say or not and I praise their good decision when they do as I say. There are often days when I feel like telling them the opposite of what I want would be more effective. And there are often days when I'm sick of the sound of my own voice shouting at them. Think all this is normal. I hope so. Anyway, like I said, I've had a LOT of wine so I'm not exactly an authority!!!

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Monday, May 6th 2013, 11:42am

hi janniewall,

youre not a bad mum as everyone has said. just a very stressed out one, and that happens to us all.

i am not a twin mummy, but a mum to 3 kids (17, so he's very independent) but more importantly a 5 yr and nearly 3 yr old. they too have their independent streaks. as others have said the "telling them the consequences of not doing as i ask will be ......" and then counting to 3 works most of the time. the other thing i have found helps them to co-operate is letting them know at bedtime what tomorrow will bring. basically what is expected of them and what order the day is going to run in.

my little schoolie was doing the "im not getting my uniform on and you cant make me" stage and mornings were very stressful, right battlegound. so i had a word with his teacher and she said, put his uniform in a bag and bring him to school in his pyjamas. he wont do it more than twice. so far, i've had to threaten that and started to bag his uniform up, but he's never actually made it to school in his pyjamas. can you ask the nursery if this would be an option, if only once or twice, to prove you will follow through with the 'threat'. i had to do that with my eldest, when he started school. he refused to get dressed, we were close to being late and he only had his boxers and socks on. wintertime, wouldnt you know it?, so i bagged his clothes up and took him outside the front door in just his underwear. said come on then off to school. to which he looked horrified, and replied lets go indoors, i promise i'll get dressed. he did in 5 minutes flat and we made school on time ...... just! he didnt play up about getting dressed again.

the refusing to eat breakfast - fine dont eat it. i give my boys a choice of 2 breakfasts. if they dont want either, they go without. again, i've only had to do that once. dont get me wrong - i love my children very much and it worries me when they refuse to eat, but, if i gave in and allowed crisps or sweets for breakfast for instance - then that would be far worse.

getting them in the car seat - could you leave 1 in the house and strap the other up first, then go back for the other one. all the while telling no 2 how good no 1 was, and making sure you really praise both if they both behave. with my 2, i play one off against the other. my 3 yr old is going through refusing to get in the car seat, whereas my 5 yr old opens his door, gets in and straps his seatbelt up good as gold. so i give him lots of praise and make sure 3 yr old knows Austin (5) has been really good. john (3) pushes it further, by getting in the car and then walking round it, anything but getting in his seat. so i have been known to lose my cool, grab him and dump him outside the car and say he stays there then. shut his door and turn the engine on. he usually runs to his door opens it, gets in his seat and lets me strap him up. for that he gets lots and lots of praise, cos he has actually done what i wanted in the end. i have started to leave at least 20 mins earlier than i'm due to arrive, for exactly this reason.

on the supermarket front - i tell them where were going and if they both sit in the trolley and be good they will get aride afterwards. while we're shopping,i pass them the items so they can drop it in the trolley and ask them to keep looking around for bread, milk, butter, etc. and they point when we're close and then i ask them do they remember what colour loaf we have, what colour top does the milk have on and can they see them, mummy cant find them. all the while we're chatting away and shopping isnt as boring. keeps them involved (they love helping) and keeps their behaviour in check. at the checkout, they pass me items to put on the belt and we chat all the time. yes it gets wearing, there's only so much you can say about bread, but they behave. if they start on the can we have sweets mummy, then i give them a clear choice - sweets or a ride, not both, you decide. they invariably choose the ride, but if 1 picks a ride and the other sweets, thats fine too. the one having the sweets, soon realises his mistake when the other is enjoying his ride. no, i dont give in. even if he goes into mini meltdown, just keep repeating you picked sweets.

im sorry, if i sound patronsing, i really dont mean to, just trying to see if any of my ways could fit in with your style of parenting. i hope some of them help.

on the plus side we love painting together and cooking and just generally messing about together. i try to balance the discipline and fun time, but sometimes it is hard juggling those times. i especially love first thing in the morning, when they come running into my room and have a cuddle with me. we play soft tickling games and again chat about what is going to happen today and in what order. if everyone knows what is happening and what is expected of each other, the day seems to go better than if they dont know the structure of the day. Austin has recently started tellin me what he wants for his tea when he gets home (had eating issues, refusing to eat what i was preparing). now, because im preparing for him what he's told me he wants, he absolutely clears the plate, without any arguements.

i honestly dont know if any of this will help, but i really hope you start to see an improvement soon, whoevers advice or guidance fits and sits well with you and your lovely family. finally, the last piece of advice i can give you is - it does get better in time. they are simply trying to assert their authority and it a stage they all go through. it really does get better in time. they will be bad days, dont get me wrong, but sooner or later, the good days will far outweigh the bad.

take care hun, it will all come good, i promise

jade xxxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Scarlett

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Monday, May 6th 2013, 12:08pm

Hey honey,

Whereabouts in Dubai are you? I lived in Sharjah/Dubai for 8 years and my ex is still there. He has a massive mixed social group and they do all sorts of activities. Perhaps if you had a few friends to talk to and who could support you a bit you wouldn't feel so isolated? Let me know if I can help on that front?

It sounds like you're doing a fab job under immense pressure to me. I've only got the one and he drives me nuts some days! xxx


nn
1st IVF July 2008 BFN
2nd IVF Nov 2008 BFN
3rd DE IVF July 2009 BFP!
4th DE IVFJan 2012 BFN

5th FET April 2012 BFN



  • "Janniewall" started this thread

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Monday, May 6th 2013, 5:43pm

Ladies, or rather FZ friends, I cannot thank you enough for the advice. It all makes perfect sense and I put a lot into immediate effect. I love the counting for the naughty step and lots of praise for good behaviour, etc. I will also give them lots of warning about our plans etc. Basically I will take a bit more control of the situation. Deep breaths and time to move on.

Scarlett, we are in the Meadows and I work in Jumeirah Lake Towers, so pretty central. I do have some friends here, but due to the toots being unsettled, I have not plucked up the courage to go out yet just in case they wake up - but on Thursday I am going to see the Royal Moscow Ballet which I am looking forward to. I just need to make some 'me' time and not just fill my life with work and children! The bigger issue is that I am a bit of a hermit and don't make friends easily, so need to take that one slowly, but thank you so much for offering to put me in touch with your friends/ex.

Thank you again everyone. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new assertive and in-control (some of the time at least) me!
xxx

Jannie
Aug 09 - IUI - BFN
; Oct 09 - ICSI - BFN; Jan 10 - ICSI cancelled;
DICSI in Valencia Mar10 :BFP:
Jannie's Diary
Oscar and Emilia born 8th November 2010

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Janniewall" (May 6th 2013, 5:44pm)


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Monday, May 6th 2013, 8:19pm

You are most welcome Jannie. Forgot to say there is a book infind quite useful for reference even if I don't always agree/use every point. It's called Toddler Taming by Dr Green. It's full of lots of sensible found advice.

Good luck and PM anytime xx
Heather

PCOS and Blocked Tubes
1st IVF - Dec 08 BFP
Twins Girls Born August 09 : D
Shock Natural BFP - Oct 12
Baby Girl Born June 13 : D
Shock Natural BFP during DR!! - October 14
Baby Boy Born June 15 : D
Another Shock Natural BFP!
Baby Girl Born January 17 : D
Hmcfeather's Diary of My Brood

  • "Janniewall" started this thread

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Location: Dubai

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Friday, May 10th 2013, 7:41pm

Amazon here I come......will order the book tonight, thank you x x

Jannie
Aug 09 - IUI - BFN
; Oct 09 - ICSI - BFN; Jan 10 - ICSI cancelled;
DICSI in Valencia Mar10 :BFP:
Jannie's Diary
Oscar and Emilia born 8th November 2010

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Friday, May 10th 2013, 8:55pm

Hi honey - hope you're enjoying the weekend and feeling a bit better about things. How was the ballet? xxx


nn
1st IVF July 2008 BFN
2nd IVF Nov 2008 BFN
3rd DE IVF July 2009 BFP!
4th DE IVFJan 2012 BFN

5th FET April 2012 BFN



louise78

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Friday, May 10th 2013, 9:10pm

I just wanted to pop in a send you a massive hug :hugs: xx
6x cycles of clomid bfn
2X iui bfn
1x ivf - identical triplets - miscarried triplet at 9 weeks, lost my other two beautiful boys at 23 weeks - passed away shortly after birth 17th June 2010.
4x FET 1 early loss
1 natural early loss.
2011 Nov immune cycle FET bfn
2012 Jan immune cycle ivf bfp baby7 Ds arrived safely 1/10/12 : D
2013 Aug immune cycle FET bfp confirmed miscarriage at 8 weeks
2014 Jan immune cycle bfn
2014 April immune cycle bfn.
2014 July fet bfp ❤️ seen at 7,9 and 11 weeks

  • "Janniewall" started this thread

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Saturday, May 11th 2013, 8:17pm

Scarlett, thanks for checking in on me and Louise, it is so lovely to have a hello from you.

I have turned over a new leaf and been rather assertive for the last couple of days, with lots of support from my lovely friend who is staying with me. I have been using the 1,2,3 counting for the naughty step and seeing a difference there. Plus using in more and really following through on my threats. Also when with toot is demanding to be 'up' I keep walking. Lots of tears and tantrums, but again the follow on in the end. Plus toddler taming book and reward charts ordered should arrive this week.

So I think after a couple more days of being positive and consistent I will start to see a positive impact. Plus DS has come on hugely this weekend with potty training, so really pleased about that, he loves the rewards - I was so impressed when he asked to get out of the bath for a wee tonight.

So all in all feeling rather positive right now. Also helped by a great night at the Ballet on Thursday, kids down early and did not stir whilst I was out, plus managed a couple of G&Ts whilst out which made me feel human!

Thanks for your continurped support.

Jannie
Aug 09 - IUI - BFN
; Oct 09 - ICSI - BFN; Jan 10 - ICSI cancelled;
DICSI in Valencia Mar10 :BFP:
Jannie's Diary
Oscar and Emilia born 8th November 2010

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Sunday, May 12th 2013, 11:14am

I am so pleased to read your positive post Jannie and that it's starting to work. It takes remaining strong but is worth it.

I've had to change tack with one of my monkeys as she has been having major meltdowns recently and we were ending up fighting loads. She is a bit put out with idea of new baby. She has responded fantastically well to praising her loads and more or less ignoring the tantrums!!

Keep up the great work Jannine and fab news on the potty training front xx
Heather

PCOS and Blocked Tubes
1st IVF - Dec 08 BFP
Twins Girls Born August 09 : D
Shock Natural BFP - Oct 12
Baby Girl Born June 13 : D
Shock Natural BFP during DR!! - October 14
Baby Boy Born June 15 : D
Another Shock Natural BFP!
Baby Girl Born January 17 : D
Hmcfeather's Diary of My Brood

Buzzbee

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Sunday, May 12th 2013, 2:41pm

Very interesting thread! My almost 2 year old is starting to become more assertive in his behaviour and having more meltdowns if he doesn't get his own way. Determined to nip it in the bud so the advice on here has been interesting. I have just ordered the Toddler Taming book!

Janniewall - I completely sypmathise as I find having 1 to deal with hard work and dread it getting harder, which I'm sure it will before it gets better. I too question my role as a mum and if I am doing it right. It definitely is the hardest job I have ever had. I actually look forward going to work some days LOL! Glad to read that things are more positive though since your original post.
An almost 4 year old son and a 21 month old daughter :)

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Wednesday, May 15th 2013, 9:15pm

hi janniewall,

glad to hear you starting to feel in control of the situation. i appreciate twins must be hard, but i find my 2 hard at times. i tell 1 off and the other little monkey does exactly the same thing as if to say "well you cant get away with it, but i can" i find having to duplicate the process very tiring.

however, they funny little things they come out with blows me away. and i absolutely adore those moments when they both throw their arms around me and say "i love you mummy". good times.

enjoying all the advice as well

:thumbsup:

jade xxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

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Saturday, May 18th 2013, 2:07pm

Hope your weekend is going well with your twinnies x
Heather

PCOS and Blocked Tubes
1st IVF - Dec 08 BFP
Twins Girls Born August 09 : D
Shock Natural BFP - Oct 12
Baby Girl Born June 13 : D
Shock Natural BFP during DR!! - October 14
Baby Boy Born June 15 : D
Another Shock Natural BFP!
Baby Girl Born January 17 : D
Hmcfeather's Diary of My Brood

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Tuesday, May 21st 2013, 6:47pm

Things seem to have been a lot better over the last week or so. I have stopped 'negotiating', I am patient and ask nicely, but if no success I just tell them that X or Y is happening whether they like it or not. Plus I have brought in the concept of options, such as saying to Oscar he can wear one of two shirts in the morning and he has to choose, better than just forcing one option on him. Plus we have started reward charts and both are desperate to add stickers for good behaviour.

So all the advice was very much appreciated and I think I just needed someone to hit 'reset' on me and point me in the right direction and you lovely ladies have done that.

Oh and my books arrived to help give me reference points. Having flicked through them, I have already realised that I am not alone, all their behaviour traits are completely normal and my wee toots are just pushing boundaries like all other toddlers, whereas before I thought they were unique. So nice to know it is normal and it will pass.

Thank you so much.
xx

Jannie
Aug 09 - IUI - BFN
; Oct 09 - ICSI - BFN; Jan 10 - ICSI cancelled;
DICSI in Valencia Mar10 :BFP:
Jannie's Diary
Oscar and Emilia born 8th November 2010

Posts: 3,118

Reg: Nov 18th 2008

Children: 2 miracle IVF twin girls and 3 miracle surprises!!

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Life's hectic but good !!!

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Tuesday, May 21st 2013, 8:05pm

I am so pleased to read your post and to see that things have improved for you. As I type I've got the toddler taming book out as one little lady is throwing major tantrums at the drop of a hat and i use it as a refresh when not sure the best way to proceed. I'm not sure if it's our impending new arrival that is throwing her off or just a phase.

She isn't looking forward to baby arrival so it's probably that but we'll get through it xx
Heather

PCOS and Blocked Tubes
1st IVF - Dec 08 BFP
Twins Girls Born August 09 : D
Shock Natural BFP - Oct 12
Baby Girl Born June 13 : D
Shock Natural BFP during DR!! - October 14
Baby Boy Born June 15 : D
Another Shock Natural BFP!
Baby Girl Born January 17 : D
Hmcfeather's Diary of My Brood

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