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  • "andykirbster" started this thread

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Tuesday, January 8th 2008, 10:17pm

My twins don't like their mum.

I've searched all the "DAD" forums online and no-one seems to have this problem. So back to good old FZ....not fertility related, but I can trust you folk to know me.

What do you think of this...interested to hear your take on it.

My kids prefer me to their mother.

Theres a start for you, not conceited or big headed, the fact.

I come home from work, they come running to me to greet me, laughing and playing, if I walk away they cry. If DW is holding either of them and I come near they almost push away from her and thrust themselves upon me. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I can't help what it must feel like to be her.

Tonight it all came to a head, I fetched the kids from mums as I do most weeks and came home, DW was waiting she came to the car to help me fetch them and as soon as she picked DD up she started screaming (DD that is ;o) ), I purposefully didn't get her from DW and just went inside. The crying continued until DW put her down and she came running to me, I picked her up and put her on my knee and she calmed down instantly and was fine.

The identical situation happened with DS not 5 minutes later, DW obviously was distraught. This isn't the first time it has happened, in fact it is a continual stress on the family home. DS follows me around everywhere, I cannot do anything on my own whilst he is awake which is nice if I dont have a lot to do, I love it in fact, but if I am cooking, or cleaning (haha..cleaning..anyway..) or working he is constantly in my face, he drags me around everywhere and DW gets insanely jealous.

DD is not that different except she plays on her own more.

Frankly, I think that DW is treating them like adults (her maternal style) and they are only 16 months old! I play games, roll on the floor, pull faces and generally do as you would imagine me doing!

I cannot say to her that she needs to be more on their level, to pull faces, make stupid noises and generally arse around with them as she feels I am criticising her mothering skills.

DW hates her own mother, to put their relationship into context DWs Mother told her when she was 9 that DW was the 2nd prettiest person in the world (obviously with the first being herself!) - I know...stupid thing to say, but thats DWs mum...stupid)...anyway because of years of mental abuse from her mother DW fears that she is developing a relationship similar to that of hers and her mothers with her own children and I think its the fear that this is the case that is making her stand off. Today I watched DW not throw, but place DD down quite hard onto a beanbag, DD wasn't at all bothered and it certainly didn't hurt her. I could see that DW was devastated by her continual rejection and I encouraged DW to go and pick DD up as she was crying (she tripped) and DD instantly pushed her away and started kicking her legs so DW couldn't hug her. DW just leaned over and basically dropped DD onto the beanbag.

DW loves our kids very much and is quite pragmatic about the whole situation (they are babies after all) but fears that she is going to turn into her own mother.

Anyway...so long story short..although you just had the long story ;o)

1. What should I suggest to try to cement relations between DW and the kids?
i. Should I suggest some 1 on 1 time between her and the kids?
ii. I am thinking about going to see my Dad in Virginia, should I go and leave the kids with DW for some quality time, or should I take one with me (I cant take both on my own, not at this age).

2. How do I suggest anything to her, as she sees that I am "good" with the babes and cannot take criticism at ALL! not in the slightest, whenever I mention something that Mum has done with the kids, she goes off on one at how I think she is a bad mother as she didn't "take them to music group" etc..

What do you reckon??
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Tuesday, January 8th 2008, 10:40pm

Andy i can't really offer advice but i didnt want to read and run.

Could it be that you are out at work and they see more of your wife? I know i was such a Daddys girl when I was little because he was out at work so i missed him and sort of took my mum for granted





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KIRSTY G

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Tuesday, January 8th 2008, 10:44pm

Andy,
That's practically like reading how our house was a few years ago ... we have a DS who is 6 now ...
I'm not one for playing rolley around games on the floor, and much happier reading stories etc, and have real trouble involving myself in those kinds of games (look at me, switching from past to present tense ...). DS and I have a great relationship now that I can do the reading, drawing, kind of things, but we didn't a few years ago, and it was awful ... I thought he hated me, as he would much prefer spending time with his dad than me ... and why wouldn't he? Andy (DH) wasn't around all day, came home and just got the laughing and smiling DS who was glad to see his dad and was all sweetness and light, they would have a laugh and a play, and DS would be the model child ... During the day, he would misbehave, not all the time, but as a normal 2 year old would, but I would have to discipline him ... hence, he didn't enjoy spending time with me as much as his dad. I can fully understand your wife getting frustrated with the kids, but I bet it hurts her more than it does them ...
I'm not sure that forcing (for want of a better word) her to spend time with them by herself, when you go away, is a great idea ... as it will just be more of the same, just without the break from the kids that she gets at the moment. She has to want to spend time with them, and the only way she can do it is by finding something she enjoys doing with them ... There's no point telling her what she should be doing (pulling faces etc) as she won't enjoy it, nor will it do anything for their relationship .... and she'll just resent you even more for you being the one to give her 'advice' on how to interact with her children.

Y'know ... I have no advice, probably shouldn't have replied :rolleyes: But did want you to know that it's not as uncommon as you think. Kids are quite selfish at this age, and have no concept of others' feelings ... but their relationship will get better when she finds something she enjoys with them.
Does she get any time to herself at all?




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Tuesday, January 8th 2008, 10:54pm

sort of similar here but not that bad, DD spends all day every day with me and wants dh when ever he is around and prefers him too me, this used to bother me but not so much anymore I know she is a daddys girl and I think that that is only because she doen't get to see him as often as me, because of that he is 'softer' than me and lets her get away with stuff she shouldn't were I don't.

Although on the whole I play with her more I am more strick in everyway, so maybe that is why.

BasicallyI think you and Dw need to get out of the situation and have a good heart to heart as this is upsetting for you BOTH. although she won't like it you still have to tell her the truth of how you feel she could make it better as your the one that is seeing the error iykwim

Lots of luck.

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Tuesday, January 8th 2008, 11:13pm

andy -


24 / 7 with twins - must be exhausting and exasperating - I can imagine tis is pretty common - as Mrs a has become the bad cop - because she is enforcing the daily rules - spend a few days at home with them - I am run ragged with 6 month olds...

as Kirsty said they are about to hit the tantrum stage - I have friends with singletons who have exactly the same issues - Daddy can do no wrong and the sun shines out of his bum -

I think all we can do as guys is offer support and avoid blame - it will soon shift round when they are older and you are the firm line of resistance -


Ps glad to know you are still around and if you find a way to persuade her to let you go on holiday on your own - please share the secret ! .....

k
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  • "andykirbster" started this thread

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Tuesday, January 8th 2008, 11:44pm

Quoted

Originally posted by KIRSTY G
Y'know ... I have no advice, probably shouldn't have replied :rolleyes: But did want you to know that it's not as uncommon as you think. Kids are quite selfish at this age, and have no concept of others' feelings ... but their relationship will get better when she finds something she enjoys with them.
Does she get any time to herself at all?


err...she works Mon to Friday, gets in from work, helps with putting the babes down and sleeps on the couch after Easties and wakes up when I go to bed whenever that may be.

She can have all the time in the world but is afraid she is missing out on something.
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Torisen

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Wednesday, January 9th 2008, 8:49am

I think that it might be worth talking to someone, a family councellor.
I am only saying this due to a friend of mine, in the perfect marriage, with 2 perfect children wants a divorce...
This is only due to that her perfect husband was so completely destroyed by his parents... He is unable to show any affection even though he is a really loving and perfect father...

They are really struggeling due to this and are finaly starting to "get better"

I think that parent child relationships form us for life and it could be worth discussing DW and DWmothers relationship. It might vent things!

XX
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Wednesday, January 9th 2008, 9:14am

I think this is a really hard one. I have no advice but will share our own experience.......

I work 3 1/2 days a week, DH works 5. DD is adored by us both and loves us both too. However, I am still the 'bad' cop for want of a better phrase. I'm the 'have you brushed your teeth, you need a hat as its cold outside, no you can't have crisps - eat this nice apple instead' parent. DH is the 'lets share some chocolate, forget the day time nap - lets play in the garden instead, you don't need to brush your hair I'll just put it up' parent.

I think possibly this leads to DD's inevitable conclusion that 'Daddy's more fun'! Therefore he gets asked to play and I get asked to take her to the toilet or blow her nose!

Maybe your idea of leaving the twins with their Mum is a good one. Then she'd get to be good and bad cop. Also she would find things to do with them that you don't do (e.g. I take DD swimming as DH hates it so that's one of 'our' things) and start to find more common ground and a more 'fun' bond. Plus I think even small kids are clever - if they get wind of her being upset or understand that if they behave like that you always come to the rescue and then they get playtime with you then they'll keep doing it.

Parenting isn't easy is it?! I figure that over the next 18 years or so we'll have lots of 'I hate you Mum or I hate you Dad' conversations depending on who has said the boyfriend is horrid or the skirt is too short etc! Its all swings and roundabouts over time I think.

Jodie x






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KIRSTY G

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Wednesday, January 9th 2008, 9:30am

Quoted

Originally posted by andykirbster
err...she works Mon to Friday, gets in from work, helps with putting the babes down and sleeps on the couch after Easties and wakes up when I go to bed whenever that may be.

She can have all the time in the world but is afraid she is missing out on something.


mmmmmm

Assumed she was home all day with the kids, so might need a break ... am even less help then :rolleyes:




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Wednesday, January 9th 2008, 12:16pm

Andy - I too work full time (from DS being 3 months old) and DH works part-time.

Our first son is total hero worship of daddy & I can completely empathise with your DW.

DH *is* more rough & tumble with DS than I am, particularly when I was heavily pregnant, and then when I was on enforced bedrest to prevent premature labour DS would run to either DH or the nanny when he fell over.

What helped us all was (a) for me to realise that Daddy was rough & tumble, Mummy was cuddles & reassurance & (b) that DS simply does prefer Daddy to Mummy. Instigating rough & tumbel cuddles on the bed before bedtime was great! :D DS then started having what we called "naked mummy cuddles" which (before you call social on us lol) meant that after a bath we would all three go onto the bed with naked DS and a towel and cuddle and me getting involved in the rough & tumble.

But...your DW also needs to work through her own frustrations & fears, because if she isnt careful the vicious cycle of your children rejecting her because she rejects them when they reject her could propogate. She needs to be the adult and work through this and put some effort in and gently handle her children even if/when they reject her, and show them that she loves them. Because it is only going to get harder when they become toddlers and they start to reject & love both mum & dad in alternate doses!

  • "andykirbster" started this thread

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Thursday, January 10th 2008, 8:47am

Thankyou very much for the advice, it is greatly received and I suppose this is simply a "phase"....DW's concern is that this "phase" will last forever, but if last night was anything to go by it will get better.

I had to work, sitting in the kitchen, had to get a report finished and working with a 16 month old on each knee is not very easy, so I pushed them away, that sounds brutal, I didnt push them, I simply told them that Daddy couldnt play now and that they needed to go play with Mummy...who read them a book, or at least tried to , they seem to get very bored with each page very quickly :o)

anyway after ten minutes of crying and coming back to me, they soon got the message that Daddy was busy and in actual fact quite boring....

I made sure they got a rough and tumble afterwards though...

Thankyou..

and as a reward for your good advice....my favourite song from my youth; danced to by my 14 month olds (at the time).

Twins....Jumping around

Andy
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Friday, January 11th 2008, 12:02pm

Oh andy sorry your having a bumps ride at mo poor DW send her a cuddle from me.

Its very difficult to offer advice to you as you will both be doing evrey thing right, but your babys dont really know right from wrong there a blank canvas.....

maybe your DW could remember things she wanted in her life to make her happy ,what did she want her youth to be like, ie park with mum, helping dad what ever she wanted. Then try to do it for your two.

Me and boys dad always act stupid together with boys 1/2 hour every day if he lies on the floor i grab one boy and jump on his back going gee up, or we'll both play boo with them but one peep then the other (if you get me :drunk: )Hide round doors with a baby and jump out to RAH the other parent.

YOur both fab parents who love there babs dearly this is just a phase they wont even remember - stay strong

x x x x
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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "1xbaby pls" (Jan 11th 2008, 12:03pm)


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Friday, January 11th 2008, 9:29pm

andy - on the plus side - we have daddy hero worship here that means that only daddy is good enough to change the poo nappies - mummy isnt

shame


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Sunday, January 13th 2008, 12:48pm

I am loving that video of the twins jumping around, i was sat there watching practically jumping around myself, takes me back to the good old days hehe.

Anyway, we have the same problem in our household DD always wants me and not DH. She screams sometimes if i give her to him. But DH was in Iraq for 6 months of her life so I assumed she has just bonded better with me. He plays around with ehr but doesnt do the bathing, feeding, bedtime stuff, so I think she has just learned that mummy is ALWAYS there???

Sorry I cant help but I bet your DW is hurting bless her :hugs: I hope you manage to find a solution



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Sunday, January 13th 2008, 8:52pm

Andy, this is just a suggestion, but does your wife need a bit more help around the house? I only ask because DD is going through a phase (at least I hope its a phase) of prefering her Nan to me. My theory is that her Nan can give her undivided attention all day because she only has her for 2 days and Grandad does housework too. When I am off work with DD, I also have to make tea, do the washing, run round with the hoover etc... Since I've noticed this and made sure I spend some time, even if its just a hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon giving her undivided attention, she likes me better. Of course she has my attention the rest of the day but I make sure she is absolutely the only thing I focus on for some time every day and that I haven't got half my mind on the pan on the stove etc...





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Sunday, January 13th 2008, 10:22pm

andy

that so had to be a man making the video !

1 - the lyrics were questionable -

2 they were jumping on the bed close to the edge - !

Great song - liked the way they got a second wind -

Did you does them up on smarties before hand ??
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Tuesday, January 15th 2008, 1:12pm

shotgun?! :8o:

typical bloke :innocent:

anyhoo.... this is what I meant - a perfect opportunity for DW to jump onto the bed as well and jump around ;)

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Tuesday, January 15th 2008, 1:49pm

That vid is CLASS so funny i was howling matches music perfectly x x x
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Saturday, January 26th 2008, 12:48am

Quoted

Originally posted by 1xbaby pls
That vid is CLASS so funny i was howling matches music perfectly x x x


Thats because the music was playing, they don't dance to anything else...ill prove it tomorrow for you, ill catch them during random play with a blast of house of pain and see how they react...it is very funny!
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Saturday, January 26th 2008, 10:34am

ha ha i thought you'd added the music after.
Hows things going???
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
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15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

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Friday, March 28th 2008, 2:40pm

Its all ok thanks, we went to France last week and they went on a major rejection thing. DD's godmother was there and the order of hierarchy seemed to go, me..godmother, mother...not a good sign me thinks.

anyway, here's some updated pics for you...



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Friday, March 28th 2008, 3:08pm

im sure it will work itself out soon A.

your children are absolutly gorgeous!



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Friday, March 28th 2008, 3:17pm

They are so so so so lovely, have things not got any better??
How is Mrs K bearing up?
M at the mo is daddies boy and at bed time if i pick him up to cranes over my sholder arms out to his dad and he gives me a scowl - makes me sad :bawl:
I just try to shake it off and says its a phase - but it's one pain in the a**e :smile: :smile:
Do you have any more dance clips. J has just started dancing he loves it, will so be playing them jump around. :snigger: :snigger:
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

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Friday, March 28th 2008, 3:37pm

hi,

Its reassuring to hear of others tales of woe...frankly some days I wish they would go to their mummy instead of me, when Im sitting on the toilet reading the paper, the last thing I need is the kids slapping me on the knees...hmmmm...possibly TMI there...sorry folks...

Anyway, DW is slowly coming around to the idea that it is simply a phase, albeit a long one....

As for the dancing...ill see what I can do, now they have got into the craziness world that is "in the night garden"



they do a weird head jangly side to side thing...thats quite amusing....and the nanny has some drum n bass on her phone that seems to make Lola go all Tektonik...very strange...

For those of you who don't know Tektonik, its French dance craziness

We'll see what we can do....
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Friday, March 28th 2008, 4:16pm

Andy, L does that too, although when I watch the night garden I don't see any of the characters doing it! It is quite funny though!








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Friday, March 28th 2008, 8:44pm

my 2 love in the night garden to! and there only 14wk!! If I holding Nuala and trying to have a chat with her when its on she turns her head to look at the tv instead (charming!)
Melanie
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Sunday, March 30th 2008, 1:15pm

Andy - does DW do any rough & tumble play with the kids?
Any tickling? Any silliness?

If she does and the kids run to you, how do you react?




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