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  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Reg: Oct 10th 2005

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1

Thursday, May 21st 2009, 12:29pm

problem biter

Yes I have that child !
A's been biting for a while now ;(. Was biting me in temper but progressed to biting other kids on 3 occasions, one in nursery, one in a play place and my niece. I'm basically doing time out, stern voice no and removing him from the situation. Nusery advise it's not happened for weeks and he's generally learning to play nicely with huge praise from me and doing well. It's very much a defence thing with other kids, if someone takes a toy he's playing with, biting is his first reaction.

Today, and every Thursday for the past 4 weeks he's bitten my friends' 2 1/2 year old. This little boy does not share and will snatch toys away from A and generally be a pain. I'm at my wits end as I can't discipline the other child who is also in the wrong. His mum is my BF, is very lacksy daisy in her attitude, he doesn't share....end of. I am trying to teach A to share, play nicely and in fairness today he was having a lovely time and being a lovely boy. My bf's son was being a pain in the bum to all the other kids. In the end though, A was playing with a train, he came over and snatched it and A bit him. There's 8 1/2 months between them and after constantly having toys taken away, A snapped.

He left quite a bad mark and we left the play place as the bad guys :sadface:. A had the usual treatment and telling off from me, we left as punishment and I'm upset about it. He's not biting any other kids and is learning to play nicely but it aways happens with this boy. I want to speak to my friend and tell her she has to be more firm with her son as what's the point in me telling A to share etc when her boy doesn't. Plus we're trying to stop the biting and this isn't helping. I really don't know what to do...... any advice ladies. I don't want to stop them playing together as we've been friends for 20 odd years but i'm just fed up of it all.


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





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Thursday, May 21st 2009, 3:36pm

well.... you have a few options

PP is 3 & a bit. JJ is almost 2. JJ snatches PP's toys a lot. PP doesnt bite but he does hit (it's one thing or another).

I've done this with other people's children as well by the way and the parents have never objected. JJ is still not old enough to really understand but he sort of is, so we're encouraging him to play nicely. (although he does say "thank oo" when we give him something?!)

anyway, when JJ snatches a toy from PP I gently take the toy back from JJ even if he cries and tell JJ that snatching is not nice and that PP was playing with it.

If I'm not there to intervene or catch it when PP smacks JJ one, I physically remove PP from the scene into a different room, and try and tell him calmly "look I know that it is really annoying and upsetting when JJ takes a toy from you. does it make you angry?" "yes REALLY angry" "well, I would be upset if JJ took toys away from me as well, but you are a big boy and a good boy, and good boys do not hit/bite, do they?" some from of contrition is normally shown at this stage by PP "ok," I say "now give me a hug and a kiss and let's go back to play, and we'll play nicely, ok?" "ok" so we have a hug and a kiss and we go back to play. slowly but surely the hitting has reduced.

landi

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Thursday, May 21st 2009, 6:26pm

Hi Caz,

Is A talking yet? And if so how much does he say? one word, 2-word sentences or more?

I currently and previously have worked with many many children wh go through this stage.

You are right in that the frustration is probably leading to the biting. In my experience it can sometimes come because of communication. For example. when A is with your bf's little boy, and that little boy snatch A's toy, A cannot communicate what he wants to, like 'that's mine give it back.' Because of this children can get frustrated and they deal with their emotions with biting, scratching, hitting, kicking etc...

I think that you are in a very difficult situation as it's your bf's son. I would say if you are close enogh with her, that you be honest and explain how you're feeling. I'm sure that once you have talked with her, she will be able to understand where you are coming form and the reasons you have mentioned it. Just ask her how she would feel if it was the other way round.

I hope that things are sorted soon.

xx

LAURA
28.05.10 My miracle son Harry was born 5 weeks early, by c-section lurve


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Thursday, May 21st 2009, 8:04pm

Oh Caz I feel for you. M has never been a biter but he is a bad hitter and all I can say is consistency is key - set your boundaries and do not budge on them.

You can't control how other kids behave or how other people parent but being your best friend I would say have a wee chat with her along the lines of how worried you are about Alexander biting and just be honest with her and say you have noticed he is at his worst in the mentioned situation and that you think it would help if she stepped in and made her son give the toy back. Obviously you would do the same if Alex took a toy from her son so I would hope she would not take offence.

Max has pulled hair and hit since he could lift his wee hand and I would say it is only now that we are able to go on playdates where I can relax a little. It has taken a year of literally removing us from situations when he hits and the same words repeated over and over again - i never thought they were going in but he is so much better now than he was even 3 months ago (when he scarred by friends 8 month old baby!!!). Today he spent 3 ours playing in the garden with my pals 2.5year old and did not hit once - i never thought we would get to here but we have.

Talk to your friend, I am sure she will understand xxx


5 x ICSI b.f.n
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  • "SingingNun" is no longer a member of FZ
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Thursday, May 21st 2009, 10:10pm

Rebecca bites me and DH when she is teething and thinks its funny. We say to her "no, naughty" but not sure at 14 months what she understands but she does stop. Speak to your BF just from A's point of view that you are worried about him and that he needs consistent discipline like no everytime but if he sees other people not being disciplined it confuses him which is why he is biting more and more and I am sure she will understand.

xxx Lorraine xxx

Me: 39 & DH: 42 ~ TTC: 5yrs; M/c@7.5wks (20/1/03) & became a mum after our 2nd IUI attempt in June 2007 to 6lbs 4ozs baby girl called Rebecca after an emergency caesarean section at 6.29am on 12th March 2008


  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Thursday, May 21st 2009, 11:33pm

Do you ask A why he bit you or the other child??
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
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test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Friday, May 22nd 2009, 1:04pm

Thanks for the replies ladies. I think with A it's a mix of not bing able to communicate and also just temper. I'm watching him like a hawk everywhere and it's taking the fun out of playdates etc, well for me anyway.
I haven't asked him why he does it, he's got tons of words but he's not up to explaining why yet, I have explained if a child takes something he's to say NO, not to bite. I've spoken to a few mums today at our tumbletot class who all said it's a phase etc. Will speak to my friend and just try to head any toy snatching before it happens next week.


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Friday, May 22nd 2009, 7:26pm

Sorry caz my post was longer then that a Huge paragraph from a book, about teaching them how to react - Short post now - you just keep telling him not to bite if X takes toy or hurts him but to tell Mummy. Bit difficult to disapline when they dont really know what there doing :sadface:
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Friday, May 22nd 2009, 7:37pm

I agree, as well as teaching A to share and play nicely when he's seeing it not happening with his little friend. He must be thinking what???


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Friday, May 22nd 2009, 11:16pm

I had a friend over today with her little boy age 1 and she was talkin about another friends little girl age 2, her behaviour is Gob smacking,
My friend has taken to off loading her little boy to nannas when the Girl and mum come to visit, the Final straw came when the little Girl walked in to the House saw my friends little boy walked up to him and really slapped him round the face, no reason,no argument nothing.
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Saturday, May 23rd 2009, 6:36pm

Oh blimey... that's not good

well...tody we went ot hte park. A saw a little girl from his nursery and they played lovely together, no jossling, def no biting and they were lovely together. I'm relieved that he obviously plays lovely with other children, just not with this other boy..


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Wednesday, June 3rd 2009, 7:26pm

Well had a fraught afternoon,A being lovely coming in for kisses ( doing his aah kissy noise ) on my shoulder then biting me. I am so so sick of it. Last one I ended in tears cos he's broken the skin. We started to put him in his cot for time out for about a minute when he does it, as in Supernanny, then realiised his cot is his niceplace where he sleeps very well. Prob not a good idea to associate it with naughtiness.
He bit a child in nursery this week and last week while out of my friends bit a random child who wanted to get past him ( and today although I got in ther first and stopped it ). Nursery said it's a phase etc etc but I'm truly sick of it.

He's too young to understand punishments but not young enough to know he's done it.

Any help ladies you can throw my way would be much appreciated.


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Wednesday, June 3rd 2009, 7:57pm

Can you put him in the hall way - thats were I put the boys. x
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Thursday, June 4th 2009, 1:04pm

Will do - we use the bottom step as the naughty step already - just need to be more consistent. No biting me today ladies, I really think I comes with teething x


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





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Thursday, June 4th 2009, 5:02pm

yup - we used bottom step as the naughty step.

(it gets worse when they have younger brother who annoys them EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! :8o: )

consistency is the key. we've had to have words with our nanny to make sure she follows through with what we do.

how much of an emotional child is he? JJ couldnt give a toss if I sound upset or even cry (he has given me a black eye once from hurling a fire engine at my face), whereas PP bursts into tears if I even look sad.... each child is different. what works for one doesnt works for another.

  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Thursday, June 4th 2009, 7:47pm

He rarely cries ( usually when he's had a bang )or is upset, he's a happy fun loving little boy.

So far no biting today, just iicoming in mouth open for kisses with the aaaah i'm about ot kiss you noise. I think the biting me is teething related and the biting other kids.... well .... :innocent:


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





cookie

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Thursday, June 4th 2009, 8:00pm

....spud used to nibble. it isnt nice at all and i really feel for you hun. spud used to do it when people were mean to him, like A does. he has done it recently too, he sunk his teeth into someone who scratched him on the face, ok it isnt ideal but he was defending himself i s'pose :rolleyes: just makes me think why bother biting cos at the mo he has hardly any teeth and he still does it!

does your friend with the boy who doesnt share ever say anything about A biting her boy?
i think if she is a friend i would have to say something along the lines of 'well when 'x' learns to be nice i know A will be, A likes to share and cant communicate to tell us how frustrated he is when your son is spiteful.' without feeling bad.
xxx



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Friday, June 5th 2009, 6:13pm

oh my! I would never call another child spiteful to the parent's face without expecting major fallout!!!! :innocent:

cazzmo - wait until he tries to lick you or kiss you with his tongue out - eeeeeeeeeewwwwww :8o: ;( way too freudian for me & DH - we stomped on that VERY quickly and said "NO!"....

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Friday, June 5th 2009, 8:28pm

Hi cazz

I think it is a phase hun, evie-mae goes through phases of biting me and hitting me, usually for no reason , or if she is having a tantrum she always bites my leg, but straight after she will give me a cuddle, ?(

I find if she is hitting me or has bitten me I will say in a firm voice, "NO Evie we dont hit or bite " and then i walk out the room,

although she is 2, i dont think she would understand a naughter step, but as soon as she does understand what it means i will be using one

As for your friend hun, you can only controll how you bring your child up, you might be risking your friendship if you talk to her about it,
ME 32, pcos, DH 47,
DH had Tese tx Jan 06
IVF/ ICSI July 06 ,
30 eggs collected, 2 transfered,
Had OHSS and OMG, :BFP:


  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Monday, June 8th 2009, 8:00pm

little update

A not bitten me randonly since my post last Wednesday.However, he did go to bite a child in aplay place Saturday morning, but I managed to get my hand in front of his mouth and he bit me instead X( - bit like that actually, like a terrier. ( rather me than the child )All because a little girl wanted to pass him coming out of a door to a play house.
We stopped playing and took him away, said that's it end of playing. He said sorry to me a bit later and kissed me 3 times.

I think the message might be sinking in slowly.

We're in Spain from Thursday :D. I just hope he behaves.


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10





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Sunday, June 21st 2009, 3:58pm

How did Spain go?

  • "cazzmo" started this thread

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Sunday, June 21st 2009, 7:05pm

Very well hun...
Helps a lot of the kids were older but lost of fraught moments when he was in the playhouse there and another tot wanted to come in/out. Lots of praise for playing nicely seems to be doing the trick. Plus he went to bit my 4 yr old neice today and decided against it at the last moment. He bit me this am which I think was a kiss went wrong, but we've introdiced the naughty step at home which gets the message across

I don't want to say we're out of the woods yet in case I jinx myself, but so far so good.. :D


Me 39, DH 39 ICSI Nov '06 BFP

FET Dec '10 - ET Dec 16th - Test Day 31/12/10








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