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  • "dizzi-red" started this thread

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 11:41am

problem with step childrens mother

i`m not sure how to start this really but it`s a problem that`s been on going since my dps ex found out we were together.
my partner and his ex have shared care over their children, 4 nights with my dp and 3 nights with his ex.
as soon as she found out that we were together, she started throwing spanners in the works and making allegations that the children were going to her in dirty clothes, with serious injuries, that the youngest was always red raw down below which made her think dp wasnt changing her nappy (which she only wears nappys at night and the only time she`s had nappy rash is when they come back to us) she started sending texs to my partners phone which were always like `is it still ok to meet tonight?` or `are you still up for tonight?` etc and then phone him at 6am over minor things.
arguments started and she would constntly lie, saying that i was bad mouthing her and swearing infront of the children. she would also claim that my partner threatend her by saying that she would loose the children, which he never did. i had a friend over one time when the ex came to pick the children up. the children did not want to go and put up a fight. the youngest was screaming and would not let her mother put her in the car. it ended up where the mother slapped her and told her to stop being a stupid girl. my friend asked the ex how she could do that to such a young child and the ex said `its got nothing to do with you` the next week she`d gone to her solicitor and said that myself and my friend was abusing her and name calling the children! she made it out to be such a bad thing, which it wasnt.
over the months, things have gone from bad to worse, she had her friend text dp saying that she had blown her tv up and would love to see dp on his own and she loved him so much. the ex would constantly lie about injuries to the children. they come back each week with injuries that are not accounted for, the mother denies these injuries and says they are coming from here. we take photos of these injuries.
dp asked if he could take the children on holiday, her reply was `you can have 1 week holiday PROVIDING you agree to me having 3 weeks` one of the weeks she wanted was the week that we wanted.
my partner picked the children up one time and the middle daughter told him that her mother had lost her temper with her and thrown a pair of scissors at her. we were concerned about this and dp mentiond it to her and she denied it even though the oldest daughter said it was true. the next week the ex claimed that she was concerned as she`d been told one of the children had been burnt with a fire work in our care! that was untrue.
each week the children put up a fight and dont want to go with their mother. we have seen her drag the children to her car which she denies.
this weekend the oldest daughter didnt go with her mum, she`d been upset all week, crying and saying she was scared of her mums parents. we tried to talk to the ex about the fears of the oldest daughter and she was saying that the children are scared of us, not her parents, which is odd considering they put up a fight when they have to go to their mothers as they want to stay with us. she then went to her solicitor and said that i had been shouting obsenities at her, which i didnt and i have a witness to this.
we really dont know what to do. dp contacted ss last year over his fears and the injuries, but they didnt want to know.
we have now been told that if ss get involved they will take dps children and my daughter and put them in care, that was by a friend.
i just want some advice about what other people would do, or if anyone else knows if this is true what my friend says. i love my daughter so much and also dps daughters. but i would not risk having my daughter taken off me for anything. she is my world. ss took my daughter off me when she was 18 months old as she was underweight, but they admitted they made a mistake when they saw she put no weight on in care. those 5 months of my life were hell without my daughter and the thought of ss scares me so much. they could take my daughter and i`d never see her again. i have got nothing to hide and dds weight is normal now, she`s still thin and at 7 years old wears clothes aged 5-6 but she has a really good appetite. the only fault that ss could find with us, is that we live in a 2 bed house so the 4 girls share a bedroom, but we are trying to get a 3 bedroom house with the council.
my head`s in bits and my heart`s torn.
thank you for reading this.
xx

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 11:56am

Hiya N

It's so hard when the parents aren't amicable, in an ideal world you'd get them to sit down and see that their war of words is only hurting the chidlren and that has to stop. But sadly, when you add the emotions of both parents into the mix, the simple task of sitting and talking about this can't work.

What they are exhibiting is Parental Alienation, which is now recognised by the Courts and SS as a cause for concern and something they take very seriously. I have a very lengthy document for you to have a look at, please don't be put off by how long it is, it covers everything and gives really excellent advice about what steps to take to protect the children.

I don't know the 'friend' who said that if SS get involved that they would take away your DP's children and your DD, but what a cruel thing to say. Only in EXTREME circumstances are children removed from their homes, SS are there to help. I know that they can be frustrating to deal with but if you imagine that they deal with so many cases each day, that just hearing a one off situation may not make them act immediately. What I am saying is, you need to be factual with them and chip away, write everything down that has happened and ask for their help.

Sorry to waffle on. Have a read of this and see if you think this mirrors what you are going through?

PAS - WHAT TO DO

Stay strong honey, don't fight with her in front of the children, as hard as that may be. If she starts in front of them, you and your DP need to repeat over and over 'I am not discussing this is front of the children'.

xx


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Eeyore

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 12:22pm

Hi again N

Obviously on FZ our expertise is mainly in fertility but I know of another forum which is dedicated to step-mums and second wives. They are an amazing bunch of people and will be able to give you much better advice than we can - have a look and see what you think

http://www.thebritishsecondwivesclub.co.uk/



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  • "dizzi-red" started this thread

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 12:34pm

thanks eeyore for your links,
i have read part of your first link and alot of it up to now is similar to our case. i forgot to put that the exs parents are also controlling this as dps children are their only grandchildren and have told my partner a few times that they will never have anymore grandchildren but he can have more children.
they have also told the children that dp isnt their daddy, santa doesnt come to our house and nor does the tooth fairy as this is a naughty house. they also tell the children not to eat here.
the oldest daughter has just come back from spending 30 minutes with her mother and has told us that her mother told her not to come back to us as she doesnt like the children being here. she tried to bribe her by saying that she wouldnt be going swimming unless she stayed with her mother.
i will take a look at that forum and hopefully get advice.
i know ss are there to help, but in my experiance they didnt do this and i think that`s my fear of them of how wrong they got it last time.
thank you again.
xx

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 12:45pm

Dizy you poor thing you certanily have it all going on :hugs:
I have worked for ss an i can say they are not allowed to remove children unless it is extreme circumstances. At least let them help you make sure the children are safe. x x
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
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  • "dizzi-red" started this thread

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 6:27pm

1xbabyplz,
i think i`ve just had a bad experiance with ss and that`s where my fear stems from.
not sure if they will take action though as they refused last year when my partner contacted them.
xx

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 6:36pm

I understand what your saying and I would proberbly be feeling the same if i was in your shoes. hope you get something sorted soon.x x
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

  • "dizzi-red" started this thread

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Saturday, March 8th 2008, 6:40pm

thank you. i will keep you all updated.
not sure what will happen if the oldest keeps refusing to go with her mother as it`s a shared care arrangement at, for all 3 children.

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




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Sunday, March 9th 2008, 11:10am

Hi Dizzi, what an awful thing to read hun, she sounds like you cant reason or talk to her and the ex's parents seem horrible too...they are evil people, I really hope it all works out.

Please keep us all updated xxxx

ME 32
DH 38
TTC 4.5yrs
Lap & Dye 07 very mild endo
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Sunday, March 9th 2008, 12:33pm

it is very hard to comunicate with her. she`ll agree to things, but then go back on it after speaking to her parents.
i dont want to upset anyone by what i say here, but the reason the exs parents are so involved is because she has learning difficulties and can`t multi task and the court said she could have the children for 3 nights as long as her parents help her with the children. and i think the parents see this as a way to controll the situation even more.
this is why the ex is getting away with everything that she does and says because it`s all blamed on her disabillity which i think is wrong. there are plenty of parents out there that have disabillities far worse than hers and are great parents.
dps has to phone his solicitor tomorrow to tell her what has happened this week end with the oldest daughter. i will keep you all updated on what happens.
thanks for your advice.
xx

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




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Reg: Oct 6th 2005

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Monday, March 10th 2008, 12:17pm

Hi Dizzi,

I work for the social work department and just wanted you to know that it really is in extreme circumstances that children are taken into care. If there is any concerns over a family and children are to be removed from the care of their parental home then the social work department will firstly check all family members to see if there is a possibilty of them taking over temporary care of the children.

I would seriously advise you to contact ss as they can offer you and DP alot of assistance as well as investigating your claims. Your claims can also remain anonymous with ss - they are under no obligation to reveal who made the claims to the childrens mother.

I hope this helps you a bit.

Michelle xx
Me 33, DP 32
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Monday, March 10th 2008, 12:31pm

Dizzi
I do hope you get something sorted soon as its not fair on anyone within your family...Not your DP girls, not for your DD, not your DP or yourself...

It drives me mad that someone who is supposed to love their kids can use them as a bargaining tool...

I also have a Step Daughter and although my DH doesnt get on with his ex, they are MOSTLY civil...We have our moments but in general its ok...

i do hope you get something sorted though... as its so stressful...

Take care and your in my thoughts

x
me 38 DH 45 - unexplained infertility and ttc for 4 years ,Mar 07 -Missed m/c
4 attempts at Clomid - BFN (Jun , Jul, Aug, and Nov 07)

Apr 08 - ICSI - BFN
Oct 08 - ICSI - BFP

Baby boys born on 29-May-09

  • "dizzi-red" started this thread

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Monday, March 10th 2008, 1:01pm

murphsmurf, i know that ss are supposed to help, my fears are from my personal experiances, they did not investigate anything before taking my dd off me, just saw she was underweight and i had pnd and that was good enough for her to rip my family appart. it was after removing my daughter from me that they started fully investigating and all the proffessionals were brought in etc. after monitoring my dd for approx 3 months they knew that what i had said was right and started making arrangements for my dd to be slowly rehabilitated back to my home. i think the way it was done and the lies that were told at first have put the wellies in about ss, i think if they can do it once they can do it again.
my partner did contact ss last year over the injuries his children were coming back home with, but they did not want to know and told him to go back to his solicitor, he asked them if they would just look at the photos and they said no. his solicitor however, has always said that his ex has learning difficulties etc and has given him advice on what to do/not to do, he has done this and there has been no improvement, it has just got worse! but with the oldest daughter being the way she was at weekend, so scared to go with her mother, something has to be done. dps exs parents have told the middle daughter that the oldest has to come back to her mothers next weekend, and middle told oldest, now oldest doent want to go again. we had pesuaded her to go on saturday afternnon and dp would pick her up sunday morning, but she really does not want to go now.

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




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Friday, March 14th 2008, 11:10am

just a small update on how things are. the oldest did not want to go with her mum again yesterday so the mother turned round and said that she will not be collecting her again if she doesnt go hers today, the oldest was sat on the stairs (which we didnt know, she was supposed to be on her ps2) and she heard everything that was said. she does seem to have come out of her shell since she has stayed away from her mums, but if her sisters mention their mum, she will go quiet.
it`s one of those situations that you dont know what to do for the best.

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Friday, March 14th 2008, 11:56am

You have to do whats best for the kids I know you hae had bad experiances with SS.
But how would you feel if something happened that you could have prevented.
Im sorry if my words seem harsh, but I cannot sit back and say its ok to keep putting things off
What do the children say??? are they of an age that they can expain WHY they dont want to go???
Ther are new rules due out or maybe in force in your area allready - where by they take a very dim view on children being used as bargining tools, I think the first step/suggestion is mediation with all the family or just the adults.
A mediator will help keep he situaton and meeting in order - it may take many visits but at least you are helping to reslve the situation rather then just worryin about it.
You may be able to pay for private mediation therefore not involving SS. But if that mediator feels there is a risk to the chidren they can inform SS.
Unfortunatly the rules cannot make a person attend mediation - but it least it may show the mum and her family that you want to resolve this ammicably.
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "1xbaby pls" (Mar 14th 2008, 11:59am)


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Saturday, March 15th 2008, 11:33am

hi ss have been contacted before and sent a letter saying go back to your solicitor. my partner still has the photos of the injuries.
my partner and his ex did go to mediation and managed to sort some stuff out, but as soon as court was over, she went back on everything, my partners solicitor did request mediation again, but she refused to go, not sure why, but that shows how she does not want to solve things, she wasn`t happy when my dp decided on stopping the weekly phone calls and contact book as she was using these to start arguments.
in the time that i`ve been with dp, he has contacted ss, taken the youngest to the doc week after week as she had really bad diorhea every sunday which lasted 2 days then it would go ad return when the children came back to us. this went on for months and the health visitor got involved and said it was just tots diorhea, my partner phones his solicitor everytime something happens, ie children get an injury or say something bad happened.
the children are 9, 6 and nearly 3.
sometimes i feel like i am ripping my hair out with the whole situation. everywhere we go for advice we get the door slammed in our face and the excuse `she has learning difficulties` thrown at us.
we were having a relaxed evening last night, to try to chill out a bit and the oldest daughter said to me `i dont like my mum. i want you to be my new mum` and i did not know what to say. normally when the children say they dont like their mum or call her names we will talk to the children and say that she`s their mum etc etc, but it took me for suprise the way she said it.

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Saturday, March 15th 2008, 12:51pm

Bless you dizzy, i know you are trying your best, but the dr may just think its bugs etc - why not go to the drs and explain what you think it may be ie there mum and ask them what you should do, - if you spell out your concerns they should *help* you.
Or phone the duty S/worker at our local council office and ask there advce you dont have to give your name you can even preend you are phoning on behalf of a friend for advice, if they try to ge info and your no comftable you can always hang up.
Maybe there Mum needs more support when the kids are there, and ss can always involve a parent support worker, to attend the house with the kids and help out providing support for kids and mum.

Hugs Diz, x
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

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Sunday, March 16th 2008, 10:15am

hi again 1timezbabyplz,
she has supposed to have gone on a course and had someone at her house on a friday to help her with the children, but the children were at shool/playgroup on fridays and it was 6 pm by the time she`d got back and the person had gone by then so they didnt get to see how she was with the children. this has ended now and she still has her parents there all day when she has the children, but the children-esp the oldest is so scared of them and has chosen to stay away because of how scared she is. i will phone our local council office and see if there is social worker there, but i`ve never heard of one being there. it has to stop. the grandfather was at football when the oldest child was playing football and she felt as though he was there to scare her and put pressure on her to go back to her mums. it`s really not fair. if i wasnt with my partner and i was reading this i would not beleive most of it, my parents totally adore my dd and would never do anything to scare her, and if my dd was scared of going round, or my parents were telling her not to eat here, then there`s no way on this earth that i would send her, i would cut my parents out of mine and my dds life. i cant see how dps ex is happy for her children to be so scared of her parents, esp now as she knows that the fear is keeping her child away from her.

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




  • "1xbaby pls" is no longer a member of FZ

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Sunday, March 16th 2008, 10:34am

In my area the Council and SS are the same group. They always have an on call Duty social worker,
Can i ask do you speak in negative terms about there mum in front of them - because if you do that will only fuel them to think like you,
Have you asked them why thee scare, what do they say???
1st go ICSI - @ royal shewsbury and Telford NHS funded
25 eggs collected 27/3/06
15 fertilized - 8 grade A - 2 transfered 30th/3
test date - Thursday 13th April, BFP :D :D :D
:baby: ITS TWINS :baby:
M.L & J.F - Born 9/11/06 6w prem (6lb 5oz & 4lb 10oz)

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Monday, March 17th 2008, 11:45am

hi, no we dont speak negative of their mum in front of the children, but they have witnessed arguments between my partner and their mum.
the children have called their mum names to us and we tell them that it`s naughty and that she is their mum and it`s not nice to speak like that about her. the middle daughter is the type of child who cant keep secrets and wont get pushed around and she has told me and my parner a number of times what her mum, nanna and grandad say about us, some of it isn`t nice stuff and a child should not have to hear that.
when we ask the children why they dont want to go with their mum, the oldest says that she is scared of her grandparents and is upset when they call my dp and me names, when they say my dp isn`t their dad and when they shout at her for her handwriting, the middle daughter says she doesnt like going because it upsets her when theysay bad things about myself and my dp and she still says that she gets scared when her mummy shouts and smacks her incase she throws scissors at her again.
my dps solicitor is due to phone today, so hopefully things can move forward.
xx

me 25,
partner 33,
7 year old daughter
3 step daughters aged 9, 5 and 3
3 m/c 01, 04 and o5




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Reg: Jan 1st 2008

Location: staffordshire

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Sunday, November 30th 2008, 9:41pm

i know you said your dps ex has learning difficulties but her parents don't and their behaviour is diabolical. her disability can't be that severe if she is allowed three nights a week and shouldn't be used as an excvuse for her behaviour. if i was your dp, if he hasn't already, i would take all the photos to the ss, along with any other proof you have and demand that they investigated them. hopefully your dp will end up will full custody seems as you have a solicitor on the case, maybe supervised visits would suit her better and her parents wouldn't be in a position to scare the kids. wish you luck x
Got a BFP! 16/10/08 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker




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