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pirhanachomp

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 1:51am

Unhelpful Men!!

I'm SOOOO fed up with DP its unreal!! since Alex has been born its like he's lost interest in me and Alex completely! infact the only time he ever seems interested in me is if he's after a bit of bedroom action!! X(

Yeah he works long horrible hours and shifts, but he comes home, expects me to have made him some tea and have done all the house work, pulls out a can out the fridge and either spends the night slobbed out infront of the tv or perving at people stripping on webcams!

Whenever I ask him to feed Alex I either get 'but he's asleep now' or 'i'm just going to check my e-mails first' or 'I'm trying to relax here' then when he does feed or change him, which I'm lucky if he does it once every 2 days, he expects me to kneel down and worship him!!

Alex is 9 weeks and 2 days old now, not once has he made me some bottles up, not once has he bathed him, or taken him out on his own accord! he's let me have ONE measley break in the whole 9 weeks and that was only for a few hours and he had to drink beer then!

my hands have started going chapped and bleeding because of all the washing up I've been doing recently! If he washes up he's doing me a 'favour' and then only does half of it and doesn't even bother cleaning down the work surfaces!

The clean washing basket is nearly my height and all I get is 'I'll sort that out tomorrow' but tomorrow never comes and i'm refusing to shift it so have to look through it everytime I want a pair of clean pants etc.

I'm getting so fed up of him its unreal! I'm begining to wonder if I am only staying with him because of Alex... but I have no where else to go if we split up, i couldn't move back my mum and dads as there isn't enough room anymore for us...

I feel like our relationship has ended but I have no choice but to stay here as I have no where else to go! I feel trapped :(

he does have a loving side and i know he does love me, he made me smile the other day when i found out he'd bought me a mothers day present

I dont know what to do anymore, who to turn to and who to talk to.... ;(

I've just found out tonight that his brothers girlfriends pregnant, the brother who when lived with us nearly a year ago tried to kill me... I only started talking to him again for the sakes of Alex, now I feel like I'm going to 'have to' be extra nice to them both, like I'm going to have to spend hours with her talking about being pregnant, labour and what its like being a mum!

I'll be expected to keep her company when she's had the baby! yet i dont see her round here now giving me support!!

The only thing thats making this whole situation worth while at the moment is Alex, when I go to see him first thing in the morning to get him out of bed and he smiles at me and waves his little arms around in excitement! I could go on...

At least I know whatever the outcome of this situation i'll still have him..

I'm sorry for woffling for all those who actually read this till the end

Jessica x x

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 6:21am

RE: Unhelpful Men!!

;( Awwwwwwww Jess,

I am so sorry hun, just wanted to send a [zx127]. I really don't know what to say apart from men are just a bit dim sometimes (I am putting it mildly!) I am sure dp loves you & Alex very much. Is there any chance you can get a babysitter & have a good night out just you & dp?? Think would do you good to have a night out just the two of you to remind you of the good times you shared before Alex came along?

Sorry I am bit rubbish at this kind of advise, I am sure Lorri, Bells or someone will be along soon to offer more help.

Thinking of you

Dolly
xxx
x
x


Diagnosed PCOS Dec 04
Very lucky as have one ds already
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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 6:56am

jess, im so sorry your having a crap time with dp at the moment. its never easy when youve just had a baby, and anyone who says it is, is a bladdy liar! but it will get better hun, im affraid 9 out of 10 dads are absolutly rubbish at helping when theres a new baby involved, i very nearly left my dh 4 times in the early months because i felt like a single parent. if your dp is anything like my dh , he knows youre at home, and sees your role in the home now, as mom and housewife, he goes to work, brings in money, you stay at home and look after them both.............its a crap deal on our part sometimes and they get to take everything you do for granted, im still there really, ive still got to be greatful if he gets ds in his pj's. :rolleyes: as soon as alex is up and about dp will want to do everything with him, they love little kids that they can play with and when alex says he wants daddy, dps heart will melt and he will want to help, it wont be long sweetheart. sending you a great big hug, [zx127] xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
love kerry xxxxxx



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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 8:28am

Cookie's right - he probably sees it as your job to do everything for the house and for Alex because you're at home all the time. We know that isn't right, but that's probably his perspective.

All I can think of is to think of a couple of points in the week that become regular habits. Maybe once a week he can do everything for Alex - maybe get him up one morning and look after him for a couple of hours, or do his bathtime one evening. That's still not much, but if you ask for help three times a week, you may not get anything!! And then, as Cookie says, the other thing you could arrange is that one time a week, you have time the two of you together without Alex. I'm sure he feels excluded because Alex is taking so much of your time (even though he can't see that it's only because he's keeping clear), so if he knows that you really want time together, that will give him some reassurance. He's probably feeling a bit insecure at the moment, but he wouldn't dream of letting you see it.

Stick in there, and hope you can find some time together.
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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 8:44am

men can be so stupid sometimes - I honestly think that they just don't pick up on things, they seem to go into their own little caveman bubble. I've only been on maternity leave a few weeks and already my DH has turned into an Alf Garnet clone - what's for dinner then? where's my clean shirt? etc! I really don't think its their intention to deliberately take us for granted, I blame it on MIL's! Otherwise he wouldn't have been so thoughtful about mother's day. I also think that sometimes the only way they can communicate their feelings is under the bedroom sheets! I agree with the others, try making a set day when DP cares for Alex once a week, even if its just one morning/evening a week, it may not be much but at least it gives you a bit of regular you time. X


This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Primrose" (Mar 12th 2006, 8:45am)


pirhanachomp

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 10:40am

Well I'm not sure whether he's having some kind guilt trip or something, but I've only just got out of bed and so far he's fed Alex, put that HUGE pile of washing away, emptied the bins, and done the washing up! 8o

I'm not complaining! gives me the opportunity to sort mine and Alex's bedrooms out!

Jessica x x

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 11:27am

oh jess my heart is with you.

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 1:16pm

Oh jess- it's hard isn't it? men need to have everything spelt out to them unfortunatly. They're not always quite as "proactive " as we want them to be!
Maybe you need to sit down together and actually speel out to him what it is that yoiu spend your day doing( washing cleaning cooking tidying napy changes feeding entertaining alex,the list is endless.)tell him exactly what you would like help with, and maybe he'll realise that your day isn't exactly a haven of playing games and walks in the park!

i had to tell my dh this one day after he remarked one weekend (when i asked him to look after ds for a while) " but it's my day off- i need a rest!".....
Needless to say he's never said it again after i duly shouted back " when's my fXXXing day off then?"!

take care- hope things are better soon
nikki





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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 2:02pm

:D i like that reply nikki. maybe i should try that too

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 6:32pm

Yup.. going through the same thing here.. though not quite as bad now I've explained how I feel, he does have his off days of course, but on the whole its ok now.

You will just have to ask him to help more, like I did with Dp, and if he moans remind him of all the hard work you put in carrying lil Alex for nine months and all the hours of pain you took in pushing his little boy into the world!!

I hope his new 'good spell' lasts and he continues to help you out a bit more. Even just taking baby off you and giving the odd feed and changing his bum is a huge help I find!!

xxx








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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 7:47pm

I think they all have their moments don't they? :rolleyes:

My youngest is two and a bit and STILL when I say "can you get her PJs?" he says "where are they?" ?( ?( ?( They're in the third drawer down... like they have been for the last two effing years!!!! :rolleyes:

I've been asked tonight.. "have I got any thick socks?" .... ?( I don't know dear...HAVE you got any thick socks? :D

Last week he told me that I should put his clean clothes away and pick his dirty ones up off the floor ?( ya reckon? 8) :D He soon backed down from that little suggestion :D

So Jess, you're not the only one hun, LOADS of us have men who are absolutely BLIND when it comes to seeing what we're feeling... they really DO need it spelling out for them.

In this house my hubby works, he irons his own clothes, he puts his clean clothes away ( ;)) and it's his job to do the kitchen. That means that he does the dishwasher, and washing up in the sink and the worktops. If he's not at work then he puts the little one to bed. I do everything else including the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing, drying and everything to do with the children (school, meals, lunches, routines, baths, clothes shopping, new shoes etc).

It works for us and there are no arguments because we agreed that those things were our responsibility rather than waiting for each other to do things and resenting each other when they weren't done.

I hope that you and DP can work something out. It's very easy to feel trodden on and low when you're at home with a little baby all day every day. At least if you come to an arrangement you'll each know what's expected of you.





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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 9:10pm

Jess they are all the same, it just seems sooooooooo much worse when youve just had a baby, honest.

Chin up chicken it will settle down xx
x

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 9:20pm

LOL bells i laughed when you said "in the third draw down!!" My Dp does that too!!

I think you have to stand up to these men girls.....my dp gets in from work at 16.50, WE then feed ds and dd, then HE runs the bath, then WE bath them, then WE feed them, then WE put them to bed!!

Ii cook tea.........HE washes up!!! He also does the washing and his own ironing....the bins and cat litter (i refuse to do those two jobs!!)

Put your foot down girls WE live in this house not just ME!!! xxxx
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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 9:30pm

Quoted

Well I'm not sure whether he's having some kind guilt trip or something, but I've only just got out of bed and so far he's fed Alex, put that HUGE pile of washing away, emptied the bins, and done the washing up! Shocked


I was going to suggest that if he is on the computer so much, maybe just leave this page open...to allow him to see your frustrations without you actually having to confront him about it and maybe, just maybe he willl change as a result..

But, as I said, sounds like he saw this already!!

I'm sure Ill be just as much of a git...its a man thing..

Good Luck!
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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 9:58pm

Aw Clare, my hubby works shifts, sometimes when he's on nights he's only around from 5pm till 8 pm, I don't work at all and honestly it's just easier for me to do the things that I do. Like if I let him do the shopping I'd end up with 28 tins of meatballs, 14 packs of super noodles and 10 bottles of Pepsi :D I don't think it's fair to expect him to be picking up after me and the kids when he's been out working all night and I've been sat at home.

If we were both working or if I was on short maternity leave then we'd share more but I haven't worked for nearly three years now.... 8o The responsibility of running my home gives me a sense of achievement, as long as he does his bit and doesn't see me as a skivvy.




My hubby just texted me to say that he's just locked someone up for murder 8o





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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 10:17pm

wasnt Jess was it?!
x

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Sunday, March 12th 2006, 10:59pm

Quoted

Originally posted by PrincessPippy
wasnt Jess was it?!



:D :D :D :D

LOL!!!!! :D


ummm... 8o ?( don't 'think' so! 8o


:D





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Monday, March 13th 2006, 2:48am

*sigh*

my DH is generally helpful, but I have to drag him away from the computer as well (Quake 4!) and ask him to do stuff - he's not the best at mind reading :rolleyes:

the one thing that annoys me is he goes round telling people he will take time off or work part-time or give up work and everyone thinks "oh what a great dad/man" but in reality if I ask him, he would only do this for a few months at the most - which is pretty pointless. :rolleyes:

nikki - yes, I've also made that comment... I almost had a fit on him as well when one day he said "well, you can sleep during the day".... oh right, yes of course I can, after I have cleaned, fed, cleaned, and comforted our screaming son before the next cycle starts.... X(

he also seems to think that breast feeding is ever so relaxing (ha!) and doesnt count as time out from the night's sleep. and he looks like a whipped puppy when he hovers over me when I try to get Peter to latch on and I'm quaking in fear at the latch-on pain - GIVE ME SOME SPACE! X(

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Monday, March 13th 2006, 10:55am

pmsl............theyre all shite! :D



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Monday, March 13th 2006, 11:40am

LoL at Sunshine!! Yes they don't quite get that the cycle never ends!!

I shouted at him yesterday as he told our friends that sitting watching Trisha doesn't count as looking after Lauren, I wouldn't mind but I get an hour a day where I can actually sit down and come on the computer or watch tv. Yes there are other things to do while she sleeps.. do you think your clothes walk to the washing mashine, dry and iron themselves?? Do you think that the bin empties itself?? Do you think that the pots magically wash themselves and put themselves back in the cupboard?? And the fairies must come and fill up the freezer and cupboards with food!! Sheesh!! Thank heavens for those fairies otherwise I'd never get time to sit and watch Trisha!!!! :D

BUT - he does come home and cook tea or bath and feed Lauren if I ask him, and on weekends we have a spring clean and he will hoover and help me tidy up etc! The main moan is that he doesn't acknowledge how much I actually do around the house to make our lives easier!!

xxx








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Monday, March 13th 2006, 1:03pm

samd mine doesn't acknowledge my effort too. he just think it woman job to do those things.
one time he told the reason he is not getting too involve with eliana is because mother need to bond with the baby first, so he is giving me the space to do so. 8o

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "victoria82" (Mar 13th 2006, 1:03pm)


Missy

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Monday, March 13th 2006, 2:34pm

ok,, so how does he expect to bond ?(

they really do have no idea bless em!!!

xxx








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pirhanachomp

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Monday, March 13th 2006, 5:50pm

PMSL 8o

Alex craves DP's attention! he loves him to pieces! he even cries if he gets in from work and he hasn't given him a hug!

it's just a pity Gordon doesn't realise it!

Jessica x x

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Tuesday, March 14th 2006, 1:24pm

hhhhmmmmmmm, where do they get these ideas from??????
lol!



I'm running down the road like loose electricity, while the band in my head plays a strip tease!



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Tuesday, March 14th 2006, 5:05pm

pmsl
apparently cookie, it from his (dh)grandmother.
that is what he told me anyway.

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Wednesday, March 15th 2006, 11:42am

My ex was so bad - i left him ! .... i was pratically a single parent for my DS first 3 years anyway !
i felt liberated !

Have a lovely new DP now & and baby on the way.







TheZooKeeper

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Monday, March 20th 2006, 6:06pm

Ok, going to join in here.

I blame the hormones - been nasty to DH recently as I've been constantly moaning at the lack of help around the house recently. He's always working overtime to save up some money and I'm left at home doing the housework.

Yesterday I changed lightbulbs, did the ironing, vacced up and sorted the washing out, while he visited his mum and walked the dog. Not one hint of 'do you want me to do that'. I was really annoyed with him.

Had a falling out about it and I think we have things sorted now. He knows how I feel, and the hormones make me really irritable too.

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Monday, March 20th 2006, 7:08pm

Jen, didn't you read my post above?? Noone needs to do any of those chores because the fairies will come at night!!

Dp also went into 'providing' overdrive and worked all the hours under the sun!

On a serious note, don't do too much, if you do need something doing, don't sit there stewing over it until he reads your mind and does it- he genuinely might have missed that they needed doing, and its still early days - its a big adjustment for him! Tell him, say you would much prefer having him at home helping out there 8)

xxx








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Tuesday, March 21st 2006, 1:17pm

i just think men are clueless - simple as that.

i'd say leave it all - let the house work mount up and the washing & ironing ..... but i know, it will be us women who still ends up having to sort out the mess !







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Tuesday, March 21st 2006, 1:30pm

my DH always throws his dirty clothes on the floor next to the washing basket cos it must be really hard to lift the lid!

i once said i wouldnt wash them unless he put them inside the basket, this went on for over a wk and the mess on the floor really got to me and i gave in!

sometimes its not worth wasting your breath with them, they dont bloody listen anyway!!!
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Tuesday, March 21st 2006, 1:44pm

In the interest of fairness I must praise my DH.

When we first moved intogether approx 100 years ago, it would a little "fragile" on the housework front. He once came into the bathroom shouting at me cos the one and only shirt that he had clean for work had not been ironed. I was in the bath at the time and snatched it off him and soaked it in the bath. Then proudly shouted - "and now it is bloody wet as well!"

After this episode, we share all of the housework. He works shifts so does loads when he is off and I do stuff at the weekends when I am off work. At the moment I have loads of uni work on and have not done a stitch of housework for about 2 weeks.

So, they are not all bad. The majority are granted but my DH is a gem and I love him loads :]

Nin x x



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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 8:15am

ah what a sweetie!





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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 8:49am

Quoted

Originally posted by elmo

i once said i wouldnt wash them unless he put them inside the basket, this went on for over a wk and the mess on the floor really got to me and i gave in!



Elmo can I suggest the dustbin?





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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 9:08am

hmmm not a bad idea !

or try this........[zx090]
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TheZooKeeper

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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 9:41am

Quoted

Originally posted by kizzy
i just think men are clueless - simple as that.

i'd say leave it all - let the house work mount up and the washing & ironing ..... but i know, it will be us women who still ends up having to sort out the mess !


I can't do that - that would wind me up even more - and I don't need winding up anymore than I am already at the min!!!!!

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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 9:51am

Yeah i know Jen - in theory it would be good though !

Elmo ... my dp did that once .... i put his dirty stuff back in the wardrobe ... he didnt do it again !
If it aint in the washing basket - it aint washing !







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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 11:06am

I do that too Kizz - and have told him. Then if there is anything left on the wash bin lid I stuff it in whether it needs washing or not - then he moans about where his 'clean' clothes are!

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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 11:07am

I also refuse to wash anything that hasn't got its zip fastened, trousers and boxers stuck together in a big lump, socks in a ball and of course any money found in pockets is MINE.
Dh has a big pile of clothes and coathangers by his side of the bed, I don't know if they are clean or dirty, but there is a man coming to do something to the radiator on Friday and if he's not shifted it, it's all going in the bin!





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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 11:18am

men only get what they deserve ! ....

i leave socks in a ball and refuse to pair them up ..... its a free for all when it comes to socks .. most come out of the washing machine without a partener ..... prob coz they went is as a singleton in the first place !!!

... another thing .... when they put them in the washing basket .... coz they are too lazy to sort the clean from the dirty ! stick it in the wash and it will all come back clean & pressed !







TheZooKeeper

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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 1:52pm

..and ANOTHER thing!!!

They come home to a clean, fresh and sparkling house, why doesn't it occur to them women like to do the same??!!!

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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 2:14pm

Good one ... to come home to a clean house & dinner cooked !

we wouldnt hand over coats on the back of the nearest chair .... or leave our shoes in the middle of cubboard and not in the shoe rack ...
Wrappers go straight in the bin not on the side .....
Toothpaste goes back in its place not 'thats where i found it !' ....... wet towels would be hung up .... we wouldnt moan about the cat not being fed, we would fed the cat ..... And the loo seat would ALWAYS stay down and dribbles whiped up !







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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 2:20pm

Quoted

Originally posted by kizzy
Good one ... to come home to a clean house & dinner cooked !

we wouldnt hand over coats on the back of the nearest chair .... or leave our shoes in the middle of cubboard and not in the shoe rack ...
Wrappers go straight in the bin not on the side .....
Toothpaste goes back in its place not 'thats where i found it !' ....... wet towels would be hung up .... we wouldnt moan about the cat not being fed, we would fed the cat ..... And the loo seat would ALWAYS stay down and dribbles whiped up !



ahhhh heaven!!!!!

[zx146]
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Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 2:29pm

I don't mind DH leaving the loo seat up. He normally doesn't bother to lift it up in the first place and then just dribbles all over it. He really is disgusting. It's a good job I love him otherwise he'd be living in the shed.





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44

Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 2:43pm

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to hold my hand up and confess something. I am officially a slattern! my husband does ALL the housework (except cooking) and does it to a standard i could never achieve nor have the inclination to learn. I am a bad wife but he seems to be a happy husband so i must be doing something right :D






This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Rivka" (Mar 22nd 2006, 2:44pm)


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45

Wednesday, March 22nd 2006, 2:44pm

:D ....







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46

Thursday, March 23rd 2006, 9:38am

I have a cleaner/maid :D

god knows what life is going to be like when we have to return to the real world! :rolleyes: 8o

Rivka

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47

Thursday, March 23rd 2006, 9:54am

I have a cleaner/maid too...I just don't have to pay him ha ha ha. sorry jason just couldn't help myself :D










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