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  • "chicks" started this thread

Posts: 1,665

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: Stroppyland!

Children: DS Born 2002 / DD Born 2010

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Thursday, October 22nd 2009, 1:04pm

Handling Bereavement

Hiya

I am looking for some advice please, my FIL has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and is likely to have less than a year to live :sadface:, DH and I are devastated but can manage our own grief. The thing that is upsetting/ concerning me the most is how to manage this with my 7 year old DS.

At the moment he knows grandad is poorly and in hospital having a rest and medicine, FIL hasn't been eating or drinking so is on fluids and a feeding tube to strengthen him for possible chemo (for quality of life not cure :bawl:). I don't really want DS to know much more for now because it could be well into next year before FIL health deteriorates but I feel I need to be prepared on how to handle it all. DS is an emotional little soul and quite close to his grandparents, has anyone else experienced this and can you offer advice on how to handle?

Thanks
xxx

Me - PCOS
DH - Poor Motility & Morphology........
ICSI 2001 - DS / 2009 - DD - Our family is now complete :) :)







Bells

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    United Kingdom

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Thursday, October 22nd 2009, 1:32pm

I'm really sorry about your FIL chicks :(

My dd was about 7 when my Nan passed away. About a year before she died she had a stroke and so for those last few months she went from 100% ok to weak, sometimes confused, her weight dropped off and her eyesight deteriorated. My daughter didn't come with me to the hospital as things were often quite frightening there at the height of her poorliness.... but she visited her often once she was home.

I didn't explain about the stroke as such but did say that Nanny couldn't hear her or see her very well any more so she knew she had to stand closer to her and speak louder. I remember speaking to my daughter about these thing as if we were 'all' looking after Nanny if you know what I mean? We 'all' knew that she was poorly and old and that her body wasn't working so well any more. It was very much a case of 'Nanny's very old and very poorly now so let's make sure she can hear and see us properly' or 'Nanny can't get up any more can she? Would you get her glasses from the table for her?'. We often spoke about what a shame it was that Nanny was so old and poorly and she had plenty of time to consider that in her own way. I'm sure that it prepared her for the inevitable.

When she died it was very sudden and the following day I sat my daughter down and told her that Nanny had died. She had a cry and we had a cuddle and she was quite tearful for a couple of days. I didn't take her to the funeral as I don't think she would've got anything out of it, she'd have been even more upset to see everyone crying.





  • "chicks" started this thread

Posts: 1,665

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: Stroppyland!

Children: DS Born 2002 / DD Born 2010

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3

Thursday, October 22nd 2009, 2:52pm

Thanks Bells it is useful to hear about other peoples experiences. it is going to be a hard time and I def want to be prepared as possible.

Me - PCOS
DH - Poor Motility & Morphology........
ICSI 2001 - DS / 2009 - DD - Our family is now complete :) :)







Posts: 243

Reg: Jun 7th 2009

Location: Cardiff

Children: 2 daughters - 16 and 13.

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Thursday, October 22nd 2009, 3:36pm

I lost my best friend to Leukemia (sp?) as a child, and all I remember is the bitterness I felt that I had not been allowed to see him when he was in hospital and was kept in the dark about it all. Yes my Mum and his Mum were trying to protect me, but kids arnt stupid and know when something is being kept from them.

My advice woild be to allow your daughter to spend as much time as possible with your FIL, even if you are worried about her seeing him ill...and asnwer truthfully any questions she asks....believe me, in the long run it will do more harm than good to shield her from the truth.

Our first instinct is always to protect our children from emotional pain, but sometimes they have to see truth to enable them to deal with it when the time comes xxx
1st IVF cycle September 09 - :BFP:09th October 2009! - Due 17th June 2010!

[zx115] 1 healthy heartbeat seen on 29th October [zx115]


  • "chicks" started this thread

Posts: 1,665

Reg: Oct 3rd 2005

Location: Stroppyland!

Children: DS Born 2002 / DD Born 2010

  • Send private message

5

Friday, October 23rd 2009, 12:53pm

Thanks PP xxx

Me - PCOS
DH - Poor Motility & Morphology........
ICSI 2001 - DS / 2009 - DD - Our family is now complete :) :)







cookie

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  • "cookie" is no longer a member of FZ

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Thursday, November 5th 2009, 2:02pm

oh chicks im so sorry sweetheart :sadface: we have been through something very similar recently and i know what you mean about not wanting to expose them to more pain than they need to be. with spud we carried on as normal with visits and things, if Baz was there then spud saw him, we had lots and lots of chats about what medicines and things he would need and that when baz had chemo his hair was likely to fall out but the chemo was very important, i never once told him that baz WAS going to die... we carried on as normal and told spud that the chemo was to see if they could make him better. when baz passed away we told spud that the chemo didnt make him better and that baz had gone to heaven. spud was upset for a while, but we visit baz's grave together alot now and spud chooses the flowers. it is very very hard. we werent allowed to take spud into the hospital to visit baz towards the end and i think looking back it was for the best really, spud remembers baz as baz...the man who made him laugh, the man who bought him presents for being a good boy and the man who played footy with him in the garden..i think that is very important.
if your FIL is in hospital they should be able to give him fluids via a drip. having fluids can make such a big difference.

im thinking of you hun, if you need me im here.

love k xxx



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