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  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

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Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

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Sunday, January 24th 2010, 10:10am

Hormonal 13 3/4 old ds - and hormonal pg mum!

help me plz.........

he kicks off at me for slightest thing, i go up like bottle of pop and he runs away from home. i then chase him in car bring him home and i dont know really. he gets bag on and buggers off upstairs.

i know what i should be doing nothing, no reaction, not taking stuff personally, keeping calm im the mummy for god's sake. but then i find myself justifying my reactions with he started it! i thought id left playground tantrums behind when i left school. aha not so im afraid.

i really love my hormonal stroppy unrequited lovesick teenage puppy but ........... he infuriates me. i infuriate myself as well. i know i should practicse patience, tolerance, non reaction, when he screams in my face that he hates me and i dont know what the bloody hell im talking about. i get upset and rather than showing him he's made me cry again, i get angry and stoop (not sure if this right word, dont want to offend) to palyground antics and get involved in slanging match. instead of walking away and going whatever. am i bovvered?

at the moment bein 16 wks pg got a 2 yr old toddler that mauls me all day, my 13 yr old then comes home and literaaly sling s himself at me and i nearly fall over every time, i've asked him to back off politely. cant reason with 2 yr old you know dont hug mum, cant be doing with it. my OH doesnt hug me at mo, as i physically recoil and push him away. so big one waits till i have pukey retchy gag refl;ex then shoves his arms around me and starts kissing me. when i want to puke. i dont feel he's doing these displays as a show of affection either. he nearly bowls his dad off his feet under im giving you a cuddle guise. i think its a power thing, but i cant work out how or why more importantly. i tell my eldest i love him every day and every night, when hes in a better place we share secrets and he can talk to me about sex issues and sensitive issues. would rather him learn from me then in playground. i never lie about anything no matter how sensitive. and i certainly show no embarrassment about sex, my mum never did with me, we had a very open relationship where sex issues were concerned. i can remember asking her how you give a blow job and she sat there and told me all the best techniques without blushing or any embarrassment.

my son and i are exactly the same. although he dont ask how to give a blow job!!!!! that might be just a tad squirmy if he did.

i know im rambling. i love him lots and lots but we are both just in a bad place right now. the only thing that frightens me is him running off all the time. sooner or later im going to run out of addresses that i ahve an idea he might be at. he does have friends that i have no idea where they live. what then? where do i look then? what do i do?

sorry any advice might be helpful

xxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Bells

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Sunday, January 24th 2010, 1:29pm

I don't really know what to say. I have moments of sheer frustration with my hormonal daughter but all children are different and I guess they each react in their own way.

There is this part that glares at me from the screen.

Quoted

i get upset and rather than showing him he's made me cry again, i get angry and stoop (not sure if this right word, dont want to offend) to palyground antics and get involved in slanging match. instead of walking away and going whatever. am i bovvered?



I think that many of us want to be a parent and a friend to our children but there are times when we simply cannot be friend or act like a friend, they get that out of the house with their peers. At times like this the foundations are being laid and boundaries are being set for what is and isn't acceptable when talking to another person and if he feels that a slanging match with his Mother was acceptable, it will be reinforced when Mum does indeed give him back what he's giving out. If he's testing limits and boundaries in provocation then what he needs is what you already know you need to do, it's just a case of having aplan, sticking to it and going through with it. It's like controlled crying for a baby...

First I would have a chat with him and tell him that things are clearly awful in the home, that neither of you seem to be happy and so there will be some changes made. Leave it at that, don't be threatening, try not to be cryptic and if he asks 'like what?' (which he will) you need to put it on yourself, to put him on the back foot... say "I want to be a better parent to you and your brother/sister" rather than "I'm sick of your attitude".

When he walks up to you and shouts in your face, calmly look past him and say to him in a quiet monotone voice "I am not willing to discuss matters while you're behaving like this". When he continues to shout, repeat it. He will either walk away or quiet down. If he walks away give him time to diffuse. It may be that you have to drag some sympathy for him right down from the bottom of your boots but do remember that you'll have to re-train him to react differently towards you and that means that you must again lead the way by acting differently with him. If that means going into his room, sitting on his bed and putting your arm around him when you feel like strangling him, then that's what you must do.

It's not acceptable for a child of any age (adult children included) to scream at a parent and it's not acceptable for a parent to react in the same way to provocation. It is your home and he needs to respect that. If he packs a bag and goes, knowing that Mum will go after him, he knows that he is always 'safe' so can explode as much as he wants and there are no repercussions. If you didn't go after him where would he go? Does he have a plan?

If you were to follow the calm approach maybe it would never reach a point where he would grab a bag and leave.

If he raises the level to get a rise out of you (threatening to get physical with you) then calmly pick up the phone and dial the police. (I don't know if he threatens you physically but he may become frustrated when he doesn't get the usual slanging match out of you). It may be that realising that Mum means business will help him to see things differently. At the moment he can come and go, act any way he chooses to and really doesn't have to worry to much about his actions.

I hope that's been of some help. Even if it's not relevant to you it's another parent's perspective at least....





  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

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Life is getting there - mainly good days

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3

Sunday, January 24th 2010, 5:46pm

thanks bells, iam very proud of myself at the moment.

i collected him from park early cos it was throwing it down and he wasnt happy. so while in the car i concentrated on my driving and the nice tunes enamating from stereo, rather than be drawn in. then after trying to bawl me out, he then said can you top my phone up (no plz) and i calmly said if you want to spend my money you have to earn it, so he started mouthing and i very calmly repeated the said line, to which he (bad attitude) replied i know that you've already repeated yourself 5 or 6 times. so i said kind of low well as long as you understand what i've repeated then we're good. and then i walked away! how bloomin' good am i! i breathed huge sigh though,cos i handled it.

thank you for calling me an adult child :snigger: i am not offended in the slightest, found it funny. my son would never attack me physically, im sure of it, but i think im more concerned with my lack of control than his. i know what i should be doing and what im not and i feel so helpless.

im frightened about every time he runs out, so far ive managed to find him, but what happens when i cant find him, i will go out of my head with worry. funnily enough im not overly worried a paedo will get him, im more scared of him chatting on his mobile not noticing a car fast approaching and he gets knocked down or worse. statistics show its far more likely for a child to be knoced down or killed whilst using mobile phone than it is for them to be abducted by a total stranger. and most abuse is conducted by people the child already knows within the family or friend units.

he raises the level by aiming personal insults at me like "do you know how much abuse i put up with from my mates cos youre disabled" i have mobility issues, drive a specially adapted car. i was bullied from about age of 5 because of my legs and when he starts it really really hurts and i explode, unfortunately, only my mouth not hands, i hasten to add. have been known to take plates to the bottom of the garden and smash them whilst screaming, (im a nutter) but it relieves pressure and agression without hurting anyone else. i get the pleasure of cleaning it up after, so my dogs dont hurt themselves. oh the other one "you only had brother so late to spite me" he's nearly 14 and LO is 2. life's not fair and i tried for many yrs to give him a sibling to play with and grow up with, but sadly it wasnt meant to be.

but for now i am so proud of myself for not reacting, putting my point across and walking away. he has got some credit on his phone but not enough for full blown text conversation with mates. he has enough to text or ring me if his afternoon lift hasnt arrived.

thank you so so much for responding. i am not offended in the slightest with anything you have said and im going to add your reply to favourites and keep referring back to it as and when i need to. retraining is going to be a challenge, but im up for that, so thank you.

OMG i just looked at him and he smiled at me proper smile not a nasty sneer for a change - how good is that? i do love him you know, would lay my life down for him and LO, but why is parenting so damn hard at times, and no-one gives you an instruction manual!!!!!

take care and thank you very much again

jdm

xxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

4

Sunday, January 24th 2010, 5:56pm

oh and thank you, i was actually frightened that i would be deemed to be 100% in the wrong and unfit to be a parent and he is a poor little innocent (no offence intended) cant think of right words. i know im 85% wrong but it leaves or margin for him as well.

no-one warned me teens are very frustrating! but he can also be so sweet. he takes LO in bath with him and mostly remembers to do dishwasher, and looks so cute when he's asleep, i still check him at night to make sure he's ok. arent i sad?

your reply has told me there is room for improvement on both sides and I am going to do my very level best. i am the grown up, I lead by example

thanks

xxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Bells

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Sunday, January 24th 2010, 6:10pm

That sounds like a step in the right direction and yes, you should be proud of yourself for keeping calm!

By the way, I wasn't calling you an adult child... I meant that shouting at a parent isn't acceptable whether the 'child' is two, twelve, twenty or thirty five. ;)





  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

6

Monday, January 25th 2010, 9:40am

sorry then bells for the confusion, entirely my fault, but i did actually find it amusing. and to be perfectly honest, very true to how i was reacting. he couldnt quite believe i'd been calm (neither could i lol) and the house had nicer atmosphere last night and this morning. so i have won a battle, not the war yet.

i'll take it 1 arguement at a time and try to be the bigger? person.

i am ashamed of myself at moment to be honest. yes im pg and hormonal ....... but i am 37 years old and should be able to control myself. my loss of control is the shaming thing. i've already gone through puberty and should be able to handle myself.

he is 13 and 3/4's and got all these hormones raging and spots and feels ugly and worthless and doesnt know how to deal with the different range of emotions flying through him at the moment, i at the esteemed age of 37 should be more not sympathetic, erm circumspect (is that the right word) and try and remember how i felt, and try above all to remain calm.

i couldnt enter his bedroom after an arguement as there has always been a ground rule of if stuff gets too heated and you storm off to your room, i will not follow and carry on. i then wait for him to calm down and come downstairs. the same applies if i storm away to my room, even bust-ups with OH (which dont happen very often now after 9 yrs tog, thankfully) he was to leave me until i was calm and came down of my own volition. i also used to leave OH alone. adrenalin takes between 20 and 40 minutes to calm, so you leave each other alone.

but for now i am calm and spoke to him calmly and walked away. and i didnt snipe afterwards which is a crime of mine. so quite proud for now. he's coming home tonight on the bus from school and has a time limit of 4.30 pm. im not going to ring him to find out where he is, but he has been warned calmly, if he abuses it (ie bk in late) he loses it. we shall see.

thank you again so much.

xxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

7

Monday, January 25th 2010, 9:47am

he is 13 and 3/4's and got all these hormones raging and spots and feels ugly and worthless and doesnt know how to deal with the different range of emotions flying through him at the moment, i at the esteemed age of 37 should be more not sympathetic, erm circumspect (is that the right word) and try and remember how i felt, and try above all to remain calm


just to clarify, i am sympathetic, i do tell him on a regular basis i love him and he is a lovely looking child, very handsome, i buy him spot cream and try to support him as much as i can. he says the same thing as i did, of course you'd say im not ugly mum cos youre my mum. i also see the you dont hit out at the problem you hit out at the ones you love, cos you can and you trust them to not really hurt you bk. he actually is the spitting image of my 1st husband, his biological dad and sometimes when i look at him, i burst with pride and i feel my heart burst so much i think its going to break. my 1st husband was my first love and my child is so like him, he is breathtaking to look at. but of course im his mum i would say that.
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

8

Saturday, October 9th 2010, 1:57pm

me and him are getting on much better , now that we've moved again. none of us liked the house where we were before and i think we were both takin it out on each other. he is my pride and joy and im very proud of him and my other 2 of corse.
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

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