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Ros

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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 4:59pm

Fighting non stop about everything

Hello there, yes, my two little monkeys are testing me at the moment! They seem to fight for toys or my attention permanently. They pull each others hair and poke each other in the buggy too.
When they are playing one seems to always want what the other is playing with and then one seems to like climbing on the other too .... and that makes even louder screams.
We also have tantrums as both want to be picked up by me first in the morning, and then they both want to sit on my lap in the daytime and push the other away. When I am giving one their milk the other clings to me sobbing so makes the whole event horrid. I have tried them feeding themselves their milk but they tend to sprinkle it all around the carpet (which is in a total state now). There is plenty of room for them both to sit on me but they shove each other and get so worked up, I spend half my time with a headache from the screaming. Thank goodness for dog walks as they seem to like the buggy (other than shoving each other).
When I am with my parents or other family/ friends they don't see what it's like as both get attention. It's just me on my own (which is most of the time as DH at work). But the nursery they go to (one day a week) has told me how they fight there too.
I have other friends with twins and theirs don't seem to do this. Why are mine? What are they doing differently? Can anyone help me....please?
Thank you!
x
p.s. as I type one is having a major tantrum in her high chair because they both wanted to sit on me whilst we were singing songs upstairs. Now it's teatime she has got herself into such a tis that she can't stop......

After 5 years of endo surgery, clomid, 2 x MM/C, 2 x ICSI cycles and 1 PGD cycle,
beautiful twin girls born 8th Feb 2010, we are so grateful

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Ros" (Jun 21st 2011, 5:01pm)


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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 5:59pm

OMG I hope mine don't do this, although they are starting to take each others toys. Sorry I can't help and hope that they soon learn they have to share mummy. Good luck x


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Ros

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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 6:15pm

Thanks for your reply Kirstin, I hope yours are more chilled out too. I am hoping this is a clingy stage but it's going on a long time and others I know with twins aren't getting this. Just now I have had them howling as they wanted me to get them out of the bath first and then whilst I was doing the nappy and dressing one in her jamas the other was throwing a strop, rolling on the floor screaming as she wanted my attention too. Then when I swap over the first one starts howling. It's nice to be in demand but this is getting a bit silly!

They did use to play nicely together and still do sometimes but these days every time I am out of the room (and in the room) they fight, even with a door or a baby walker they push it from other sides and the strongest shoves over the other causing more screams.....

After 5 years of endo surgery, clomid, 2 x MM/C, 2 x ICSI cycles and 1 PGD cycle,
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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 6:20pm

Perhaps its because they are two girls and too alike?
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Ros

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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 6:21pm

nope, they are totally different, looks and personality!

p.s. Congratulations Hayley, just seen it's twins for you, hoping you have a smooth ride x

After 5 years of endo surgery, clomid, 2 x MM/C, 2 x ICSI cycles and 1 PGD cycle,
beautiful twin girls born 8th Feb 2010, we are so grateful

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Ros" (Jun 21st 2011, 6:24pm)


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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 6:24pm

I don't know then in that case - hopefully it's just a phase. My friend has 14 month old boy/girl twins and he sometimes pushes the little girl about and taking her toys but they get on well other than that. They do scream if mummy is trying to do things with one and not the other (bath times and dressing etc) but she ends up trying to ignore it I think.
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Holly and Elliot Duffety born on 16 October 2011 (25+6)
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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 8:24pm

Ros I would say its normal. My best friend has a little girl that is a week younger than KJ and sometime they can be playing nicely and other times they are killing each other.

KJ takes great pleasure in winding Emma up when she wants something and I can guarantee you Emma always wants what KJ has got.

It can end in screaming, tears, pushing pinching and time out on the settee. But they love each other really and get very excited to see each other.

And they are getting better with age.

I feel for you hun living with it day in and day out.

With regards to the attention no words of wisdom with only one to have full attention and a son thats not exactly loyal rotf

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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 9:11pm

Hi Ros

Sorry you're having a stressful time.

I think it's not just a problem with twins but for any family where there's more than one child and a parent or parents who are trying to divide their attention.

My girls get on really well generally but I know when I walk through the door from work that they will both launch themselves at me, both wanting a cuddle and both talking loudly trying to tell me about their day, and getting louder and more boisterous to get my attention. And there are other times when the 'look at me', 'listen to me' antics make me want to leave the room! And I have lots of friends with 2 + children who say the same thing.

It's just one of those things I guess but it is a really good life lesson for them to learn I think - that it can't always be about you, that you need to learn to share - toys as well as attention/focus and that you need to be considerate of others and their needs.

I think it gets easier too as they get older and you can reason with them - 'it's DD2's turn now so wait a moment' etc. That's been a bit unfortunate for my DD1 though, as she's older and has a more malleable personality she has been, and is still so much easier, to tell to wait/hang on/be patient than my monster 2 year old who has a melt down if her needs and desires aren't met immediately so I've had to be very careful not to make my DD1 feel like she's always 2nd in the pecking order or that her sister's rubbish behaviour is rewarded rather than her good behaviour.

Anyway, hope things settle for you asap.

x






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Duffymoon

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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 9:48pm

Hi Ros

Hugs honey....screaming little ones eh.......the :rolleyes: smilie is just not enough is it!!! Mine aren't that bad but maybe that's because they're boy/girl twins but that's not to say they never fight over toys or my attention. There are always tears from whoeveri leave behind in the cots after nap times; whoever gets second choice to get put in the high chair....the list goes on..... Unless you grow an extra pair of hands or a second body you will have to be shared and i'm sure they will grow to realise this. as for the fighting between themselves....don't all siblings want what the other has? I try and make a game out of it and encourage them to 'give' rather than take. Tegan took herself off at Signing last week and handed random left over musical instruments to all the babies. Very sweet!!!

I know it can be tough but I'm sure it will get better. I try and get out to as many baby groups as possible so that they get to share toys with lots of babies.

xxx

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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 9:56pm

Hi Ros,
I don't have this problem, but I think only because our nanny was very consistent in taking away a snatched toy and returning it to the victim, and then quickly finding another toy to distract the robber with. I confess I am less consistent and my DH is just a weed - he insists he can't take anything anyway from them, even when they are being very naughty.
And our nanny also takes them out to playgroups where they learn to share (and get things snatched from them by bigger kids).
I hope that helps, and I'm sure things will improve!
B
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Tuesday, June 21st 2011, 10:01pm

Ros - Firstly - please dont worry... From my experience... Its absolutely normal.

They are pushing the boundaries to see how far they can go and see when you'll break (which of course you wont)... My 2 do fight, pull toys off each other, push, bite and anything else you'd care to think of dependant on the day. Things have got alot better over the last few months though.

They go to Nursery 4 days a week and I sometimes get told that they havent had "kind hands" through the day. We re-enforce this term so its something they hear at nursery and at home and i have to say, things have improved. My 2 are now 2 so they understand that bit more and basically if they're misbehaving i do give them a warning and then take them away from the situation. I didnt do this until a couple of months ago though...

My suggestion (although i know very difficult) would be to try and ignore it. Ensure you do always take turns in whatever it is you do. Ie: if you take one out of the bath one night the next take the other. I always try and get one of them to help me - ie: get pj's from the settee or whatever as i'm settling the other... It seems to take their mind off things. I always get them to put toys away in boxes and make a big game of helping mummy. Huge cuddles and praise all the way. One of my Sons really gets a kick out of getting praised. The other one - he's just not interested although he is far more laid back.

Big breaths is probably the best piece of advice... take care and huge huge hugggggssss... trying times BUT you'll see some more fun soon x
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Wednesday, June 22nd 2011, 11:46am

Ahh Ros, don't worry yourself it is a completely normal phase of development...unfortunately for our sanity and eardrums :snigger:

Mine over the past 4 weeks or so have started to fight and get quite clingy with me (only at home!). G will snatch M's toys, push her off me, hit her on the head...M will scream at G, headbutt her and bite her hand. All's fair I say, so I tell them both off :snigger:

If they are both fighting over me, I remove myself from the situation - I'll put cbeebies on, turn up the volume and exit the room not giving them any eye contact. They soon calm down.

When getting them out of the cots, I'll kiss both of them and just talk about who I'm going to get first, give quick kiss and cuddle, put the first on the floor and give the second extra kisses and cuddles before also putting on the floor. I'll go and wait in the bathroom for them to have their nappies changed and encourage as much independence as possible.

I feel guilty a lot of the time as I do think mine are are left to do a lot more on their own as I try to avoid situations where they'll fight. They've fed themselves milk from the moment they could hold their bottle so that's not generally a problem we have - but I do have to police them both to make sure they don't sprinkle! We're rather late in abandoning bottles as mine don't really get sippy cups and certainly won't drink milk out of them - but we've just bought some BiBi bottles with straws, the theory being they can sit on the sofa either side of me while drinking their milk...it's a work in progress but well worth a go!

During the days I'm starting to introduce positive play with both of them - so by saying "Where's Molly" they'll usually start a game of peek-a-boo together. I'll praise both of them and encourage them to cuddle each other and kiss each other. As they usually fight over objects I tend to keep the play more imaginative - so lots of dancing and singing, signing and talking. I often find that M loves to sit on my lap and watch my mouth and hands while G likes to boogie and be praised for her groovy moves :snigger:

For the baths I still bath mine seperately, but it's first come first serve! I try to get the other to help, or give them something to distract them like a bottle of shampoo or their toothbrush!

It's a tricky age as their understanding is so much better than their communication, so just talk lots to them about what's going to happen and hopefully some of it will filter through and they'll get used to what to expect.


Good luck Ros...what doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right?! rotf


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Ros

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Friday, June 24th 2011, 9:20pm

Thank you for all your replies girls, I'm so glad I posted this on FZ. And I'm also glad I'm not the only one with the little ones going through this 'phase'. Perhaps this coincides with them starting to walk and become more independent? Maybe they get scared and get clingy due to that?

Moonshine, I tried your technique of playing with them without toys today, I have done it before but never realised how beneficial it was having nothing for them to fight over! So they were jumping off a little step onto my lap and loving it, giggling and sharing me! Then we did pee po behind blankets and doors.

But my Mum did come round today and see Ellie having major tantrums which she takes ages to calm down from and was quite shocked. Also at the local baby/toddler group she did it there too yesterday and even the childminders there were amazed with the tantrums, screaming and rolliing about on the floor, so I am guessing I am not over-reacting!

She is such a gorgeous smiley girl the rest of the time, I just wish I could give them both the cuddles and attention they need. Does anyone else ever feel that they should be giving more to each twin (or sibling) and feel guilty so much?

x

After 5 years of endo surgery, clomid, 2 x MM/C, 2 x ICSI cycles and 1 PGD cycle,
beautiful twin girls born 8th Feb 2010, we are so grateful

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Friday, June 24th 2011, 9:48pm

Oh Ros, not a day goes by when I don't feel guilty about something!!

According to the leader of my childminding course, a leading neuroscientist has proclaimed children shouldn't watch tv before the age of two, as it has an adverse effect on brain development. Oops! What a selfish mummy am I? Brain damaging my longed for children so I can have shower/cook for them/wash their clothes...

I often find that rather than give one of them attention, I will let them be. I leave them to play alone quite a lot as I want to encourage them to learn how to entertain themselves and discover their imaginations. So, if I do sit back and watch them play - I feel guilty that I am sitting. I should be interacting with them, or slaving over some household chore right?!

I feel guilty at play groups if I am giving one more attention than the other, guilty that M has taken up so much more of my time whilst she's been in her hip spica, that the only time I spend alone with M is during her hospital appointments, that I am not with G when I am at the hospital with M, that I can't offer them one-to-one time as we don't have the spare money for a nursery or a nanny. I feel guilty that I get irritated when M whinges (she does it quite a lot, it feels like she is a dementor sucking out my soul!) and I tell her to shut up. The list goes on. I guess guilt comes with the territory!! In 20 years time I'll probably be looking back feeling guilty about some random comment I made that has scarred them for life...

G has just started to have MAJOR tantrums too (thankfully not in public yet, but it's only a matter of time!!)...I don't even know what starts them most of the time. Today, she decided that she didn't want her nappy changed - trying to force a two stone kicking heap of baby into a nappy is a bit like wrestling a monstrous octopus. Needless to say I may have a few bruises in the morning :snigger: I just ignore the tantrums most of the time and leave her to it. Sometimes she'll start her tantrum and look at me out of the corner of her eye - so I do the "tantrum dance" (which involves stamping feet, waving arms and stomping round in a circle chanting "tantrum, tantrum, tantrum...") she usually ends up in a fit of giggles and I distract her with a toy or something. M just sits with a look of disgust on her face as if to say "Mother! What ARE you doing?!" :snigger:

You're not alone!!


Moonshine


This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Moonshine" (Jun 24th 2011, 9:49pm)


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Saturday, June 25th 2011, 9:48pm

Hi Ros

I think the tantrums are a stage some of them go through. I also have one of the happiest toddlers in the world, she's often grinning like a Cheshire cat or giggling so hard she falls over but when she's not happy or doesn't get her way then boy does she let everyone know and it started a few months before DD2 was born so I know it isn't just about having a sister. When I was in hospital having DD2 my mum came and looked after DD1, DD1 had a major tantrum in Morrisons for apparently no reason and nothing would calm her down, my mum had to leave the shop. Bath time tonight was a nightmare, she nearly burst my eardrum because I bathed her when she wanted to run around upstairs. She does sometimes throw one when she is jealous of her little sister but her anger/frustration hasn't been taken out on DD2, yet! On the whole she wants to kiss her little sister and any other passing baby but that's not to say it will always be like that.

I've been nodding away at Moonies post! I agree having a mini pretend melt down works for us too, DD1 thinks it's hilarious!

Oh and yes I feel guilty a lot too!

I really hope things improve for you soon.

xxx


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Monday, June 27th 2011, 2:14pm

My two have been through this phase too and I imagine with twins, the chances of them both hitting the tantrum phase at the same time is higher. I agree with Moonshine that a mothers default setting is 'guilty'. For me its either housework guilt because I am playing with them or guilt that I am doing housework when I should be playing with them (although that happens less often!). I'd not even thought to feel guilt for stepping in when I should let them play on their own and vice versa, so now thats a whole new opportunity for feeling guilty, thanks Moony! I try to let them resolve dispute themselves unless it comes to blows, but the other day I wasn't quick enough and they had matching bruises on their foreheads from whacking one another with toy animals. Oops. This is a resonably priced solution 48" Black economy dog cage Q48: Amazon.co.uk: Garden & Outdoors (not FZ endorsed link, and I am only joking. Honest)




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