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  • "BooBoo" started this thread

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Friday, April 27th 2012, 11:21pm

back to work FT

hello
just laid in bed and can't sleep.....i have 12 weeks of mat leave left and the return to work is hovering like a cloud of doom.
I was told when i was pg that i could return PT but sinse i left on mat leave there have been changes and basically my flexible working request got turned down...so now its FT or nothing.
I'v been job searching like crazy but there's nothing PT in my line of work so it looks like i'll have to return FT. I'm just heartbroken at the thought of leaving my precious girl 5 days a week. I also have a long commute so i'll be out for the house from 7 til after 5.30....i will hardly see her them days.
I'm really worried she will miss me and get upset. Then i worry i'm going to miss out on so much and what if she doesn't forgive me when she's older. I'm so fed up....
I've been considering doing other PT or evening work but it wouldn't pay as well so then i wouldn't be able to get my lo all the things she deserves and nice holidays. I'm just stuck as to what to do for the best...lesser paid PT and things be tight be i see more of lo or go back to my job FT but hardly see my precious lo.

I know every woman feels like this before going back to work but its the fact i have to return FT thats so depressing. I just don't want to have any regrets about what i do for lo and if i return FT then how will it affect her.

To make things worse the extra 2 days i now have to do will mean i have to put L in chilcare so i will come out with exactly the same wage on FT hours as if i did PT and didn't have to pay for chilcare.

Anyone else have to return FT....i'm hoping when i return my bosses feel sorry for me and say i can reduce my days ...lol.

Hmmmmm....lottery win please!

I just don't know what to do for the best....all i know is it isn't an option for me to not work so i have to figure something out.


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Saturday, April 28th 2012, 2:38am

Hey hey hey baby girl, STOP PANICKING!!!!!
Yes it's rubbish going back full time, I did it when Jacob was just 5 months. I beat myself up for a good 6 weeks before I went back, that I was a horrendous mummy, that he'd forget who I was, that he wouldn't love me anymore, blah blah blah
However..........
The smiles and hugs that you get when you get home are absolutely amazing!
Weekends are fantastic because all they want is mummy mummy mummy!
The little strops that at the minute wear you down, become totally insignificant because you don't get them as often!

Yes it is a bummer having to work full time, but the way I look at it, we are working full time so that they can have a better life and be bought loads more nice things. They are still so young that they won't remember it when they are older. In a couple of years she'll be going to school and if you gave up your job then you'd be stuck at home and Lydie will be having a whale of a time with her friends.

So all in all, don't fret babes, it's hard for the first couple of weeks, but then you settle into the new routine and it's not actually that bad

Lots of hugs to you, hubby and Lydie Cake
From
Em, Daz and Crazy Jake xxx








Me - 33, PCO, high FSH

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TTC - 5yrs,

ICSI Nov 2010 abandoned, poor response

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"a true miracle baby"

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  • "BooBoo" started this thread

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Saturday, April 28th 2012, 9:53am

aw thanks em,,,,,u've made me feel a minisculey bit better :-)

i think i am just having a panick on right now....its more because i was always told PT would be fine but to then be told its FT only has just put everything up in the air.

I have the exact same feelings as u did thinking will it mean i'm a rubbish mummy, what if she misses me then doesn't love me anymore for leaving her, the guilt ect.....

Like u say though its giving them a better life and if i look at it long term then lydie will be in pre school in 2 yrs...then it'll be school and i'd be in a job that i didn't enjoy as much.

I just don't want to regret giving up my career but i also don't want to regret missing out time with L....

If i can't buy her nice things though then i'll feel guilty about that too....and i'm not talking spoiling her but holidays and nice clothes and things she needs....my baby is worth more than us skimping on her.

I do feel better after your post so thanks hun

do u mind me asking how long your out of the house each day? Do u do 5 days a week? I worry i won't be able to spend much time with her on an evening cos she likes her bed by 6.30 but that could change i suppose. Did jake adjust well when u returned o work? Is it your mum or a nursery that he goes to? L will be in nursery 2 days and the other 3 my mum and dh will do between them (depending on dh's rota).

I think the run up to it and anticipation may be the worse thing.....i should try and enjoy my last 12 week and remind myself how lucky i am :-)

thanks em xxxxx


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Saturday, April 28th 2012, 6:35pm

Hi BooBoo,

I am sure that even if you were going back PT you would have similar feelings on a smaller scale, I know I certainly did! There are pro's and con's to working to get the extra money or having the extra time with your little one, maybe write them down and consider which are the most important to yoyr family.

With regards to your flexible working request being turned down, have they given you reasons for this? Is there a compromise? For example I knew that my job couldn't be done in 3 full days so I do 4 shorter days and its working really well. Just because they have said no now will it always be a no???You are entitiled to apply for flexible working at anytime, you could ask again in a few months.

I am working for next to nothing after childcare and it will be pretty much nothing next year when I have 2 chilldren in childcare but I have taken the long term view that I like my job and the company that I work for and in a few years the children will be at school while I am either at home bored or in a job that bores me!!!!

My LO has been at nursery a year now, and initially I didn't feel too comfortable about it, but I strongly beleive that he is so much more sociable with other children and adults because of it, he also seems to enjoy the routine of it. He certainly loves the daily messy play, that if I am honest I wouldn't do if we were at home everyday!!!

I think your last comment about the run up to it being the worst thing, but try not to let it ruin your last weeks at home. xx


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Saturday, April 28th 2012, 9:53pm

Hey,

Please don't stress about going back to work just yet. You have 12 weeks to go!

I second everything that has been said above. I'm luck enough to work part time but I also back at uni. It's hard trying to fit everything in but you do what you gotta do.

I love my job and I'm pleased I returned to work. It's lovely to have adult conversation about things other than babies and poo etc. And I think that my LO enjoys the time away from me, because at the end of the day they are independent little beings! I miss her so so much when I'm at work all day but coming home to love and laughter make it all worth it.






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Monday, April 30th 2012, 11:46am

I can’t believe it was seven months ago that I returned to work – the time flies.

Returning to work (and originally I returned back fulltime before going four days a week) was harder than I ever imagined.

Each day my LO would cry when I dropped her off and I would cry walking into the office, then I would wipe the tears away and start my day. Cry at lunch, wipe the tears away and then start my afternoon. Repeat each day.

I felt like I was missing out on my child’s life, that she would love the childminder more than me, that I would miss all the important things like first words, first steps, etc. And I felt guilty – oh the guilt!

But things do get better and you learn to cherish every second. And you know what, it’s also good to know there is someone else who is there to support you, your partner and your LO. I love how I don’t have to change as many nappies, or when Lily is in a mood, I can just drop her off with the childminder and let her deal with it.

I also liked coming back to work and rediscovering my own identity. I felt on maternity leave that I stopped being me and simply became ‘mummy’. People always asked how Lily was but forgot to ask how I was. At work I could be an independent adult again and even have conversations about the latest TV shows, current affairs, etc. In my lunch breaks I could wander about the shops, just having a mooch without having to worry about naps, feeds, nappies, etc.

At work I can make myself a cuppa and actually drink it while it’s hot!

At work I can use my brain again and have my opinions sought out and listened to. I am respected and liked. And mostly, work is the time to relax because being a parent is hard work!

I love being a mummy and being on maternity leave was wonderful, but I also like being back at work where I can be an intellectual woman for part of the day. So in a nutshell I guess what I am saying is that you are not alone. Us working mums hate spending time away from our LOs but it does get better and easier to deal with and you will benefit from going back to work.

And as for missing milestones, Lily waits to do hers at home. Maybe because she is more comfortable, confident and has our undivided attention. All of her firsts have been at home with us to witness. I feel like I have missed nothing from her life.

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Monday, April 30th 2012, 5:39pm

thank you for all your kind words of wisdom and reasurances....

i have up and down days where i think i see reason and realise i have to go back if i find nothing else....and then i have depressing moments where i worry about missing L and how she'll miss me and wondering how i fit everything in on only 2 free days a week. i have family ect who also expect to see L at least once a week but if i continue to commit to seeing them on a weekend then i will never have time just me, dh and L..... then there's the cleaning and food shopping...urgggh....i don;t have time to work!

i have 12 weeks to continue to job search..... i always planned to do PT which is why its so depressing. i didnt realise how difficult it is at this time to get a new job, let alone a part time one in something completely different to what i do now (there's nothing PT in my job so i have to look at doing something different).

its such a long day i will have been out of the house from 7 til 5 and almost 2 hours of that is wasted commuting........i'm trying to get L to have a later bedtime but she's a 6.30pm on the dot sleepies baby bless her.

oh its so hard isn;t it....why can't there be more support out there for working mums. where i work is a global and a huge multi billion pound company...why can't little ole me just do a few less hours fgs!!

thanks for pointing out the positive side of things.... this is the hardest decision i have ever had to make. i really don;t want to have any regrets that will affect L.


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Monday, April 30th 2012, 7:22pm

The company that I work for has never rejected a request for PT working in any dept, even our CEO went part time after she adopted! The law is so much in our favour, is it worth pushing it a lillte more? Could they recruit someone to job share with you so that the post is still be covered FT???

If you really do have to go back FT why don't you just look on it as a trial, set yourself a date to review the situation.

I really hope you come up with something that suits your family.xx


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Monday, April 30th 2012, 8:07pm

Aw hun I really feel for you. I would be upset too if I had to return to work on my FT hours. What was their reason for rejecting your request? I believe they have to consider it very seriously otherwise it can be deemed as discrimination.

I think as someone else suggested return to work as planned but still keep looking for another job and fingers crossed a more suitable role will come your way, where you can spend more time with L.

I know I am lucky in that I can return to work 4 days a week but I am still dreading it. I think if I was given 3 days a week I would still be upset about returning to work. The thing that scares me more though is whether N will settle well in nursery. I have missed my colleagues and the adult coversation I must admit. I will be out of the house from about 7:30am till 5:30pm so similar to you as my commute is an hour each way.

I'm sure things will work out hun in the end. Try and enjoy your last 12 weeks of maternity leave, which will hopefully go a lot slower than the past 9 monthds eh?! I worked out that I go back to work 3 months today - 30 July! nailbite

:hugs:
An almost 4 year old son and a 21 month old daughter :)

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Monday, April 30th 2012, 9:18pm

jasper - the reason for turning down my request was that the dept could not cope with my shortened hours. we only have 4 people in our dept and we used to hire 2 students every year but we had to let the students go as part of cuts backs....so they are saying they are 2 people down so need everyone in the dept to do full 5 days to cover the work. also....2 people from the neighbouring dept have just announced their pregnancies and i'm guessing they are thinking that if they agree to me PT they would have to do the same with the other 2 ladies. they wouldn't get anyone else in to job share as its the cost of recruiting and training.....

what i'm actually annoyed at is that when i did my flexible work request i was really unprepared for the meeting....then when it got turned down i just thought hey ho.....but now i'm regretting not taking it any further cos i didn;t realise how hard it would be to find something else. so now i'm in a situ where i'm struggling to find PT work and thinking i may have to go back afterall.... i don;t think i can do anything about the flex work request now though as the 4 weeks to appeal have lapsed. i should have appealed and kicked up a bigger fuss in hindsight.... thanks for your reply jasper

blessed - i know hasn;t the past 9 months gone so quick..... i return on the 25th july so a few days before u then. my mat leave finishes on 19th june but i'll have the 28days holiday to tag on the end. i'm also thinking of taking a days holiday every week i return for a month then reassessing the situ after the month. hopefully my boss will feel sorry for me and let me reduce my hours...lol. i doubt it though. i don't even want to work there anymore after this anyway. they led me to belive i could be PT all through my IVF and pregnancy then when i ask for it in formally agreed they say they can;t do it..grrrr. tbh i think my IVF and pregnancy got them annoyed cos they had to take me off duties and out fo the lab due to H&S and i think they hold it against me. i also had a few illnesses through my pregnancy and they are mostly men that didn;t understand.

i've just been to the supermarket today then it dawned on me.....how will i even have time to food shop when i'm back at work!!! yet another thing i'll have to do after work and missing out on seeing L...

lets hope for a lottery win......soon please.... :)


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Tuesday, May 1st 2012, 10:15am

Hi BooBoo - you can do your grocery shopping online, or at the weekend or after L is asleep. I completely understand your feelings in regards to your job, I had the same when my request for compressed hours was refused as well. I was so unprepared for it, that I found myself very emotional in the interview and didn't respond for fear of crying right there and then.

One thing your boss/es will have to consider once you go back to work is that you will probably need to take off time due to child sickness. When L goes into childcare, she'll be more exposed to bugs and will catch everything that is going around. Once upon a time I had an immaculate sickness record. Now I have to have loads of days off because Lily is always ill. Since you are returning to work in summer, there should be less colds and flus going around. I don't mean to add something else to worry about but make sure you have a contingency plan for if L can't go to nursery, who will she go to. From my experience, male bosses aren't as flexible with time off due to sickness as females (who have kids) are.

Once you're back at work, you can build up a case for another part-time request. You can talk with the team, log your work and how you would be able to fit it in to four days. Would the team you work with take on some of your jobs to help you? Get a feel for the environment and then formally request. I believe you can request part-time work up until your youngest child reaches school age.

And also, continue looking for work elsewhere. Something will come up eventually.

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Tuesday, May 1st 2012, 10:25am

That's a great idea re using holidays hun, maybe take 1 day a week for the first month so at least you're easing yourself back into work and see how it goes. I may do that thinking about it, even though I am only doing 4 days a week I may take an extra day off for the first couple of weeks. Something I will think about.

Can DH do the supermarket shop on his days off in the week? I know it's not a nice feeling and you'll probably be shattered after a long day but most are open 24 hours aren't they so you could nip out when L has gone to bed, or get DH to.

Do you know the other ladies who have announced their pregnancy? Are they wanting to return on reduced hours? Shame there isn't another lady in your dept who has young children and wants to work less hours as you could maybe job share that way.

I really hope you get it sorted hun. Are you looking for any job or one that you currently do but less hours? Would you consider office / admin work? Why don't you register with a recruitment agency and let them do some of the searching for you? Just send them a CV, tell them what you want, and you never know they may find the perfect position for you.

Chin up hun, we still have a good few weeks off yet to spend with our precious LO's. Re holidays again why don't you plan some time off between now and the end of the year, maybe even planning a few days each month so it gives you something to look forward to and then you're not working 5 days a week for more than a month.

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Tuesday, May 1st 2012, 11:25am

Gosh I really feel for you. I was lucky to be able to come back PT but I have friends at other companies who had to make the choice between going back FT or not at all. Just wanted to say about the increased sickness that it isn't always the case....I've been back at work for almost 18 months and my LO has only been ill once in that time (and then had recovered by lunchtime!)

Re shopping - get it delivered. Yes, I know it costs a fiver or something but it is still worth the cost. If you plan well you can pick up a bit of fresh fruit & veg during the week so only need to do it once a fortnight, making bulk meals and sticking them in the freezer so is less work when you come home.

maybe you can still arrangedcompressed hours or to go PT on a trial basis (using your holidays) to see how it goes. Once they realise you can do a significant amount of work in 4 days they may be glad of the cost saving if you go PT! I don;t know if you work in an area where you could work from home at all, even if it was one day every couple of weeks it would save the commute time.

In the meantime maximise the time you do get to spend with your LO by trying to find ways of being more efficient with household chores, etc. Get a good rota system in place, bulk cook food where possible, only iron the essentials and remember that, though slated a lot these days, your child will also get a lot of positives out of childcare.

I wish you the best of luck xx


me 38, DP 44, ttc since 2005
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Tuesday, May 1st 2012, 9:34pm

Hey Boo,
Jakey stays with my mum 5 days a week, from about 8 til 6:30 when Daddy picks him up. Or should I say he did, til I blew a gasket at work and told them where to stick their job, politely of course!!!!
I'd get home around 7:15 and he'd be in bed by 7:30. I was also doing at least 1 if not more nights away every week. When I was working from home, people would ring completely unnecessarily to see whether I had Jake at home with me.
My job involved being on Neonatal Intensive Care Units every day, but nobody from work actually considered how I would cope after what Jacob went through. I had to take out a huge bank loan to be able to have only 5 months mat leave and I went back full time straight away. They refused to pay me my bonus because I'd been on mat leave, and several other little things happened, like my maternity cover being told "we'll extend your temporary contract and see what Emma does" like they expected something to happen.
Well it did! I had to deal with a very traumatic experience on a NICU and I came home and handed my notice in!!!
Sounds very dramatic doesn't it?? Wasn't really, because I'd actually been looking for something else since a dodgy "return to work" meeting in January. So I used my old job as a buffer til I got the new one sorted, telling myself it was only short term. I start the new one in 2 weeks, so I'm enjoying a bit of extra mat leave at the minute!!!! But in 2 weeks time, it'll be back to 5 days a week. I could well even be leaving before he gets up and getting home after he goes to bed, but I'm lucky that if that happens, I can wake him up, get a cuddle and a smile, then he'll go straight back to sleep.
Have you done all your allowed KIT days? If you haven't, you could do a couple of days over the next few weeks to break that ominous feeling of what it's going to be like. I wanted to do it, 2 days a week for 5 weeks, but apparently it wasn't doable!
As for shopping and stuff, I online shop. It's way way easier. I even get it delivered when Jacob is in bed!!! Family have to also learn to work round you. If they want to see L weekly then let them come during the week when daddy has a day at home, or let them have her instead of your mum, but if you want your weekends to yourselves you tell them so. We do "flying visits" to Darren's parents once a month. If they want to see him more often then they come to us at a time convenient to us. Even better is when they Skype or FaceTime, because then we only get them for 15 minutes!!!!
The anticipation is way worse than the reality. Go back to your old job, because you know it. Work it while you get into a routine of being at work, which is just like everything else has been since L was born, it's a bit yuk for a couple of weeks til you get used to the new routine, then it's hunky dory. Keep looking for something new just in case, but you'll probably find you'll enjoy being you again.








Me - 33, PCO, high FSH

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TTC - 5yrs,

ICSI Nov 2010 abandoned, poor response

ICSI Feb 2011 - :BFP: woohoo

11/10/11 bab22 born at 36w with extreme cardiac failure & hydrops
"a true miracle baby"

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Saturday, May 5th 2012, 8:34pm

thanks for your replys again ladies

NH and jensqui - i've never even considered if L was to be ill......what would happen there? would i get a day unpaid or some sort of parental leave? i'd not want to leave L if she was ill, baba's want their mama's when they're ill dont they.

blessed - yeha hun i have considered admin/office work but the thing is that i have no direct experience. all i have is my transferable skills. so when i have been applying i can only assume the companies will take on someone that actually has experience rather than somone like me who wants a career change. i've been looking for PT in my field of work as well as PT in other fields such as admin or customer service type work. i will be going to some recruitment agencies too if i don't come up with something soon. i was just trying to find something myself first. glad i have given u the idea of using some of your holidays when u first get back...at least then u can steady yourself in if u decide to do that. oh and as for dh doing supermarket shop......he'd get all the wrong things :snigger:

emma - aw that sounds really crappy hun how u were treated at work. especially what u went through with jake, u'd think they would be more understanding. were u always going to return FT then? i was meant to return PT and everything would then be hunky dorey so i feel like they've done me over. its such a shame work places don;tsupport us working mums more. it really annoys me. i never knew how hard it would be making a decision like this. i definately want a better life for L (not that mine is bad..lol) so thats what we work for isn;t it....but then its getting a balance too. your lucky having a mum that has jakey for you. my mum is good too and will have L up to 3 days a week (depending on whether dh is not working) but the other 2 days she would have to be in nursery...and its that expensive that my working the days she is in nursery only just covers the fees them days so i will be no better off than if i were PT. anyway hun, i really hope u enjoy your new job much more than your previous one. good thinking using your old job as a buffer....thats what i was thinking of doing and maybe giving it a months trial. enjoy the rest of your time off with jake before your neew job and good luck with it hun

well sinse i last posted there have been some things for me to think about - i have an interview on tues but its for something completely different to what i'm used to - its telesales. if i were to get the job it would be a huge gamble as i donlt even know if i'd be any good at it or whether i'd enjoy it. it is PT though and the hrs are 4.30pm til 8.30pm mon to fri so they are ideal and my mum said she's look after L until dh came home from work. and although the pay is less per hour i would actually bring home only £100 less doing the telesales than if i were to return to my old job FT and pay for childcare and fuel. BUT like i say telesales isn;t really my vocation in life so it would be waving good bye to my career and in 3 months time i might be rubbish at sales and not pass the probation period and then have no job.....

also another thing that has happend is that my cousin has offered to have L for the days my mum can;t if i return to my current job FT. also dh's sister has let it known if we are stuck then she would help out......its so nice of them to offer and i really appreciate it but i think i would feel like L was been passed from pillow to post. it would save me £300 a month if i took up the kind offers BUT i just want to do whats best for L and i don;t want her getting confused about who's house she's going to be at that day and have different rules at different people houses...iykwim. i think if she just has my mum and then nursery then its stability and she'll get to mix with other children rather than different adults with different rules all the time (we don;t have many young children in our family). does anyone understand what i mean? i just think if childcare if between lots of different adults in the family then L might become confused about what she can do where....and of course if a different relative has her everyday then she would get abit more spoiled.....but then there's the other side of it that at least she'd be with family.

i just want to do whats best for my baby....with the least regrets. but its so hard deciding what to do as no answer is the wrong or right one....

anyway thanks for your replys ladies, it really is appreciated xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "BooBoo" (May 5th 2012, 8:35pm)


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Saturday, May 5th 2012, 11:41pm

With regards to childcare, have you looked into childminders rather than a nursery? They're often cheaper and there are fewer kids and they have to follow the same rules and regulations and curriculums as nurseries.

They look after kids in their own homes so its a much more homely environment. They have a bit more freedom to do things too like go out for walks, go to playgroups etc.






Our miracle was born on 25.02.2010!!



Jasper

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Location: Wiltshire

Children: A boy and girl - ICSI and a natural miracle!

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Sunday, May 6th 2012, 7:48am

That's a good suggestion from Flic about Childcare. A few months ago we were struggling financially and needed tomake some changes. One of the changes we made was to change DS's childcare. He was at nursery 4 days a week but now he goes to a childminder for 2 days and nursery for 2 days. The chidminder is £3.50 an hour compared to £5.50 an hour for the nursery! DS loves going to both, and I feel that it's a good mix. He gets to socialise with lots of other children and adults at nursery and at the childminder he spends most of the day with 1 other child and has lots more attention becuase its a smaller group. She takes him to a palygroup both mornings so he isn't stuck in all day, which I had worried about.

Good luck with the interview on Tuesday!


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Reg: May 13th 2009

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Sunday, May 6th 2012, 11:01am

Hi, just saw this post and thought I would add my experiences. My LO is nearly two and I took a year off on maternity leave when he was born. I worked for a local council and was very lucky that they allowed me to return 3 days a week & when weighing up childcare I decided to send my DS to a childminder rather than nursery. It is significantly cheaper, I pay £20 per day and she is brilliant. Also she lives at the end of my road so I can walk DS there in the morning and when I get home. She has a few other children so he gets to play with them and she also takes him to playgroup. They follow the Early Years criteria, just like nursery schools. You may find this a better alternative to nursery. Its not a lesser choice, just a different one. Also childminders are much more likely to still take your LO if they are slightly ill with something not contagious, whereas nursery will usually send them straight home.

I felt like I was living the dream working 3 days but then like a bolt out of the blue I have been made redundant from my job, which is my career. The most devastating part of it all is that when I am looking for other jobs, none are available part-time. Only full time positions and it devastated me to realise that I am going to have to miss out on Daniel. So I know how it feels to have your dream ripped away & it bloody hurts!

However the longer I have had to think about things the better it is getting. Money has been very tight since I returned to work and we haven't been able to do lots of great things with Dan so if I do go full time, I know that although our time together will be less, it will be filled with more exciting opportunities, especially as he gets older.

I hope things work out for you because it might be best that if you can't get another job before you start back at work, you return full time but then resubmit your request for PT hours. I know it would likely mean that you might have to accept half a day less than you originally planned but it might be better to ask for jobshare rather than part-time. I know you mentioned that your employer won't probably consider job share because of the cost of recruiting & training someone else but if you leave they will have this cost anyway and have completely lost your experience. I would perhaps consider making a list of benefits for the company if they allow you jobshare, such as when you are on annual leave/sick the office is still covered half the week. The amount of work two jobshare staff do is invariably more than one person does, just from an energy & mental stimulation point of view and they have the ideas and experience of two staff, not just one. It really does provide benefits for the company too with jobshare. Like I say, the main one would be the cost of training someone new if you left completely.

Good luck xx




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