My daughter hates me

Janniewall

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 11:17am

I think I am writing this in the hope that someone else says 'yes, my LO does that too' so I don't feel so alone.

Over the last couple of months, I have started to feel that Emilia hates me. She seems to know how to press my buttons and upset my on a daily basis. She is only 21mths old, so surely does not know how to manipulate people already.

She scratches me, hits me, screams, kicks - fortunately no biting yet - any time I try to get her to do something she does not want to do, for example change her nappy. However, every morning when the nanny arrives she smiles and runs into her arms giggling. I just know she would rather spend her time with her nanny than with me. I have tried desperately to bond with her, but since birth have just found the connection to be more 'difficult' than it is with Oscar who just wants to cuddle me at every opportunity.

Emilia was unwell last week, when I was on holiday (so spending 24hrs a day with her and Oscar) and my husband was away on business and I felt that by the end of that time, she really was bonding with me. But come Monday morning, when the nanny came back to work, I felt completely rejected again and since then she has been treating me horribly - which I would not have though was possible for a 21mth old. Oscar is unwell this week, so I am spending more time with him, and I just wonder if she is jealous.

Please help. Is this normal behaviour, or does my little girl truly hate me. I cry daily at the moment because I feel as though this is my punishment for having children when it was not suppose to be in my destiny. I even wondered if I am such a horrendous mother that I should give my children up for adoption because there are so many other people out there who would give them a better life. I honestly feel close to a breakdown, but that may be down to sleep deprivation after 2 solid weeks of unwell children and only getting a couple of hours of sleep a night.

Help.

Jannie
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AminaTahreem

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 11:22am

sorry to hear what you are going though. Although I have no children I cant really give you a proper answer and dont take this the wrong way.... any chance she could have ADD or ADHD? it can come around the 2yr mark.... or your right and she could just be jelous... some children are when there are more than one child.. Really hope you get it sorted, :-)

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 11:34am

Hi, Hunny
I am sorry that you are feeling this way but it is normal behaviour.
My son wound (and still does) me up on many occasions and also had a period where he was happier to go to my mother than to come to me. It is, unfortunately, hurtful but will also change with time.

Your comment about wondering if you were such a horrendous mother really resonates with me as I know that I felt the very same not that long ago to the point of wondering when child protection would come and take him from me. For me, it was a symptom of depression. Sleep deprivation also makes this worse and between the two any "slight" feels even worse.
A good friend also had similar bonding problems with her second child who was happier with his father than with her pretty much like what you have described with your DH. In her case it was also linked to depression and has improved VASTLY since she started treatment (medication and counselling)

Please don't take offence but I have to ask: have you at any stage been evaluated for PND or for outright depression? It may be worth having a chat with your GP about your feelings too.

One last comment, advice received from my therapist: "Always remember - no child needs a perfect mother, only a mother who is good enough." You love your kids and you do your best to care for them as well as possible. That makes you good enough and more than good enough. You are not a terrible mother!

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 11:58am

So sorry janniewall that you are having such a rough time. I'm so sorry it is so tough - I can't speak first hand but rene has given some great advice and it is normal. Haven't really got any words of wisdom but just didn't want to read and run. Love to you xx

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 12:16pm

I am so sorry you are going through this right now, but it will change, she doesn't hate you and you are not a terrible mother! As Rene said, sleep deprivation makes everything sooo much worse. My DD keeps saying she doesn't like Daddy, for months now, and often hits him and won't go to him for anything and always cries with him etc. I think they just go through these phases, it is incredibly hurtful but won't last forever. Maybe she is a bit jealous too and just wants more time with you so certainly doesn't hate you.

I really hope it changed very soon xxx

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 2:17pm

Hi Hun

You are so not alone. I remember when ds was about 14/15 months old he could be so so vicious when trying to get him to sleep. He would do all the things you have described. I even said to my mum I was going to see someone about it cause I didn't think it could possibly be right. But you what he just stopped himself.

Also when he is at nursery or with his grandma he is as good as gold. With me yesterday and this morning I was ready to throttle him.

Please please remember it is not personal and at that age they don't truly know.

One thing I would ask though is is she doing it for attention? When she behaves like this what do you do?

I find with ds the more I ignore the behave and don't give him the attention the better behaved he is.x

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Wednesday, August 1st 2012, 9:22pm

Hi,

Very sorry that you feel down but your DD sounds normal to me. My DD prefers her dad and at sleep deprived times it is very hurtful for me and sometimes I just felt I am like a "stepmum", the partner of her dad. I tried to really let her feel my love for her and be firm at the same time. Also discussed this with DH as I needed his support. We are both part-time parents and I am very busy with work these days. I found it especially difficult when DH was busy and DD still wanted her as I felt like if she wants him anyway I might as well go and read a book instead. It must be double hard with two children wanting your attention but you are a good enough mother as Rene said :-)

And it sounds to me you found a brilliant nanny for your children :-)

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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 12:58am

Eeee lovey, loads of people go through this!! It's nothing to do with tx or destiny or any of that malarkey either.

My little girl was born furious and spent the next four years coming to terms with life. Not the kind of child who could be pacified with a cuddle and I had plenty of scratches and bruises to show for my attempts at affection. I studied the autism spectrum and compared her to my first born who was 'delightful' :rollseyes:

Years down the line that same child turns out to be one of those children who people describe as 'having been here before', y'know, weird, funny, individual, crackers etc.... I think yes, some children are just oddbods. I don't know if it helps or not but I've figured that my girl is one of those who likes to smack my hand away if I try to help her or interrupts me if I try to advise her or would rather do something and get it wrong a thousand times than admit that she needs help. I find myself wondering if that's why she didn't like the helicopter type parenting that most of use do naturally for our little ones. Maybe it's an independence thing? Maybe it's stubbornness, maybe it's just some other personality traits that are magnified a million times through exhaustion, enough to make us feel like we're failing at the job we think we're supposed to be doing a certain way.

From about 4 years of age my Darling Daughter was starting to be pacified and by 8.5 years old I'd say she's almost normal (8 o)

...kinda.... now I honestly think it's a fierce independence and almost an OVER sensitive child, maybe even that sibling jealousy thing is a factor. Who knows if they protect themselves from rejection by acting up and acting untouchable when secretly they crave more but don't quite know how to go about getting it or accepting it?

Either way, you're not a horrendous Mother at all. I have it on good authority that you're actually very lovely. So there

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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 9:27am

I am sure you are a wonderful Mummy Jannie so try not to be too hard on yourself. I've no pearls of wisdom I'm afraid but it looks like the other girls have given you some good advice.

Just a quick thought, can you have a little outing just the two of you? Something Emilia especially enjoys doing?

xxx

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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 9:56am

Hi Jannie,

My DS has just turned 2 and we have similar behaviour! Some times I only have to speak to him and he grizzles/screams/gets stroppy!!! He has a terrible habit of hitting at the moment and we have had some biting, I think he is just pushing the boundaries. Some days I feel like all I do is tell him off! Someone else could say the exact same thing and he will respond and do as he is asked with no whinging!!!. His behaviour is perfect at nursery and comes home covered in stickers as reward for his good behaviour. I know lots of children that act differently towards their mums than to their carers. I don't know why, but it's nice to know its normal!

If you are feeling exhausted and teary it's worth having a chat with someone, have you got a health visitor you could call. I was struggling a couple of weeks ago with lack of sleep and a crying baby and my HV was a great help.

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Janniewall

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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 11:12am

I just want to give you all a HUGE hug and say thank you.

Bells, your wee one sounds just like mine. I am convinced that Emilia is older than her years and fiercely independent. So I think it is me who needs to come to terms with two very very different children who have very very different needs.

I just want to say a massive thank you - I don't feel so alone now. Thank god for this website or I would go nuts. Must go and do a donation to FZ now as a thank you.

thank you thank you thank you
xxx

Jannie
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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 11:13am

xx

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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 11:41pm

Jannie, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but just wanted to send you a big :hugs:

I'm sure I'll be reading back over this in a few months looking for advice when Amy hits that stage!

Hope things get easier for you soon....xxx

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Thursday, August 2nd 2012, 11:57pm

Oh Jannie, I just felt I had to post here. You sounded so sad in your first post so I am glad the advice you have been given here has made you feel better.

Please don't feel like you aren't worthy of your children, you most certainly are. I am sat typing this with a split lip where my LO had a strop getting out of the bath & I ended up with him headbutting my lip & my tooth went through. In his defence it was inadvertent this time but he has been known to smack me & scream at me when for others he is an angel. My childminder says they always behave worst for their parents than they do their childcare provider.

Like Bells and the others have put it, she just sounds very independent and probably doesn't mean to press your buttons but doesnt feel the need to rely on you like your son does.

Just because you sounded so sad, I would try to speak with your GP or HV if you don't start to feel happier once you get more sleep. They will have treated women who have felt like you so many times before, they will know how to get you back on track in no time.

Take care and just know that you and your children are completely normal :hugs:

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Saturday, August 4th 2012, 10:41am

hi Hon

I think you have an incredibly clever little girl, who is absoloutley aware that you will be upset that she showes so much care to her nanny. my daughter is just about to turn 1 and i have much, much older boys too. I can really see the difference in the sexes already as well as individuality.

My daughter is more astute and already able to play daddy and mummy off each other and she knows exactly what she is doing.
I bet you that when your not around, the nanny will get similar behaviour. it can also be a way of punishing you hon for leaving her.

Do not fret and I promise it will sort itself out. In my opinion boys are far more cuddly and snuggly when younger but I have been told on numerous occasions, by numerous people that girls are closer to us as they get older.

Good luck, dont place to much mind on it as sometimes we see more than there is if we look to hard for it.

It is going to be ok. I promise. X

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This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "taxihome" (Aug 4th 2012, 10:43am)

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Saturday, August 4th 2012, 8:19pm

Ah yes, my little girl prefers Nanna to Mummy every time. She is also fiercly independent, dresses herself, picks her own clothes, won't let me do anything for her. If I don't let her do something she runs to Nanna asking her!

You're a great Mum, don't ever doubt yourself!

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