You are not logged in.



Unread posts

Dear visitor, welcome to FertilityZone . If this is your first visit here, please read the Help. It explains in detail how this page works. To use all features of this page, you should consider registering. Please use the registration form, to register here or read more information about the registration process. If you are already registered, please login here.

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

1

Sunday, October 6th 2013, 8:49pm

newly seperated with kids need advice

hi,

first of all i wasnt sure where to post this, so if im in the wrong place pkease feel free to move me.

let me say first and foremost i love my middle son with all my heart ......... but ........ when he goes to his dads overnight and comes home he changes. hes only 5 and his tantrums are far worse after hes slept at his dads. take today, as soon as he came home he started throwing his wwhen i went to.take my mum home i leave dad here with the boys(mum comes.for.sunday dinner) my 5 yr old climbed up the work surface after id gone, found a butter knife and launched it at the double glazing, cos id left. when i got back he kept giving me attitude and then when he noticed his younger brother playing with a toy he wento snatch it off him, youngest wouldnt let him, so he kicked him twice (with shoes on) punched him in the stomach and went to.slap him in the face. by this time i had managed to get over and separate them. sent the 5 yr old to his room to calm down. after 5 mins he came down and he was better. so i said we were going to get the painys and lining paper and spuds out and paint a picture. gave them both separate take away lids (paint trays) separate paper and paint. next thing i know hes managed to climb up work surface ( while i was in the loo) and he has poured 3 tubs of paint all over the carpet. youngest has stepped in the paint trays and made footprints on his paper and the carpet. but the 5 yr old is the one that has emptied 3 bottles all over the carpet. and he happily admitted it! big cheeky grin over his face. so yrs i shouted and sent him to his room again. and made youngest stand on a piece of paper till his feet were dry. i couldnt even pick him up as hed painted the whole of his body and he was so slippwry! at least till he was dry.

right were up to bathtime/bedtime, so i go into their room and in his fit of temper, the 5 yr old has ripped the curtain pole and curtains off the wall. and im sorry i went ballistic. said if he kept this up he was going to live with his dad, i was sick of him.destroying the house. he simply said do you want me to pack and ill go tonight. hes 5! so because i was hurt and angry i said no, youre not going anywhere you want.to go. he then told me.he hated me.

so after this long winded episode - do i simply stop him staying overnight at his dads. his dad sees him every day for at least an hour and he has him and usually brother (not last night as youngest was asleep on me) every 2 weeks. and every time 5 yr old comes back, this is how he reacts towards me. i dont know whether x allows LO to do exactly what he wants, when he wants or places rukes and boundarys on him. all i know is when he comes back he wont follow the house rules and throws his weight around and hurts youngest. throw toys, screams, shuts doors in my face in temper, just generally being naughty. i dont know what to do. it will now take a fortnight to get him to stop hitting, kicking, biting, throwing toys or whatever he gets his hands on, slamming doors. within 10 days he'll calm down and be helpful, not as mean to his brother and then the weekend will come and he'll go to his dads for the saturday night and on the sunday he will have switched his behaviours again. ;( what can i do or should i do? stop him going or allow him to go a couple more times and hope he settles down or what? we split up in may and all through 6 weeks hols xdh came on the 3 holidays i had booked. the boys were already staying occasionally at xdh's but we didnt really come.to any arrangements tilm 5 yr old went to school. so hes only been staying regularly since september. it is too early to throw in the towel or not?

someone please help me to help him. i really dont know.what to do for the best. 1 last thing - even though i was furious with him, before i left the room i gave him a kiss, cuddle and said our goodnight routine which is kiss cuddle nanight, see you in the morning, love you. i seriously dont know what to do.

any suggestions would be gratefully received

thanks in advance

jade xxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Posts: 1,193

Reg: May 30th 2010

Thanks: 107 / 11

  • Send private message

2

Monday, October 7th 2013, 7:04pm

Oh Jade big hugs to you. Sorry I am no help but didn't want to read and run. It must be extremely difficult for all involved. Why not sit down with your ex and discuss all this after all even though you separated your child's welfare is important to you both.

xxx Rianon

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

3

Monday, October 7th 2013, 7:58pm

thanks rianon,

thats the point i have spoken to him about it and the first thing he said well i wont have them overnight again. so now im quite angry with him, cos he wasnt willing to fight for the right to access to his kids. almost like hes handing fulm responsibility over to me. he also said i always said kids should be with their mothers. and tonight he said he'll have them at mine and the 2nd saturday or every fortnight, so i can go out and have a drink. yeah thats fine in principal (but what if i want to 'get to know another male' if you know what i mean. not that i do, way i feel right now, ive had enough of men for life but it does limit my 'options'.

tonight the boys have been fantastic and in xdh's company!!!! we have a statutes fair come around on the 1st monday of october every yr. they were told the rules - hold our hands all the time. told consequences of not holding hands( they both have a habit of running off, at the same time in different directions. they were as good as gold!!!!!! john refused twice (youngest) to hold my hand, so i bent down.and told him daddy would put him on his shoulders and take him home. he gave me his hand, no problem. when we were walking back to the car, we both bent down, smiled at them amd told them how proud we were of them for being such good boys. what a difference in 24 hrs.

but i still dont know what to do for the best. cos it seems i can calm the kids down and then they go to his and its all kaboom, bad behaviour returns. im just at a loss. especially when he ofdered to pack his bag. but thank you so much for responding, if you havw a lightbulb moment, please pass it on <3

xxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

    United Kingdom

Posts: 15,284

Reg: Sep 24th 2006

Location: Up to my armpits in ironing

Children: Three gorgeous daughters!

Thanks: 100 / 90

  • Send private message

4

Monday, October 7th 2013, 8:45pm

I don't know the answer either, break ups are so tough on all involved. Sticking to your guns about the rules in your house and making your ex man up and be a dad to his sons are a great start, it just may take a bit of time for your 5 yr old to get his head around the changes.

Speaking as someone whose parents started to split up when I was 7 I quickly learnt that my parents were very preoccupied, I knew my dad was the one I could win over where as my mum was really strict, if I peed her off I knew about it. I was having a chat with my sister only a few weeks ago about our childhood and she remembers it the same as me. Even little kids can have you sussed!

Good luck, I hope he settles down soon and you are still able to get the odd night to yourself.

xxx

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

5

Monday, October 7th 2013, 9:42pm

thank you polly pocket.

its hard isnt it? it doesnt help that youngest has accepted it all so easily, hes only 3 but i think its hit the 5 yr old really hard. although when hubby lived here them 2 were always screaming at each other and it got too much. didnt want 5 yr olds self esteem killed, i did this to protect them not hurt them!
but i could cry for him., unfortunately 5 yr old thinks im the villian of the piece.

but i will do as you suggest - stick to the house rules and when we have a good day like today, let him know how proud of him and pleased with hm i am if that makes sense

thanks again. may well be here again soon, crying onto my keyboard :-/

xxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Posts: 1,953

Reg: May 28th 2009

Thanks: 5 / 0

  • Send private message

6

Monday, October 7th 2013, 10:03pm

Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

While I have no experience of this, I can only suggest that your oldest is going through a really hard time and that you need to recognise this and acknowledge it to him. He is acting up because he is coming back to you, after spending time with his father. It's like, each time, the separation happens all over again. It's tough for him and it's tough on you. And I'm sure it's tough on the Ex, but they are rubbish to show emotions like that.

Be consistent with the rules but show lots of compassion as well - a tough line I know. Could you spend some 1-2-1 time with your oldest and do some of his favourite things? Maybe go out for an afternoon to his favourite park and kick a ball around just you and him. And each night, if he has been good all day, he can have some special time with you after the youngest is in bed to do something fun?

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

7

Monday, October 7th 2013, 10:38pm

thanks natural horse, i tried to get ex to take youngest home with him sunday afternoon as austin had stayed at x's sat night but jihn didnt cos he was asleep on me. he wouldnt take youngest, just said he should have stayed awake last night, then he'd have come too! yeah thanks for that!

i took A to the saturday movie juniors a couple of weeks ago and he seemed to enjoy that. unfortunately they go to bed at the same time especially on school nights.

but i will try and implement change. we had a lovely time tonight though all four of us, just need to count every blessing that does come.my way

thanks natural horse xxxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Posts: 1,953

Reg: May 28th 2009

Thanks: 5 / 0

  • Send private message

8

Monday, October 7th 2013, 10:47pm

Jade - maybe just extend the eldest one's bedtime for 30 minutes after the youngest is in bed. You could just spend some quality time together, reading a story together, drawing together and talking about his day.

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

9

Monday, October 7th 2013, 11:25pm

thanks natural horse. i will give that a.go at the weekends, starting this weekend. i really am loathe to push his bedtime.30 mins later on school nights. he comes back tired enough as it is. but weekends wouldnt be a.problem..tell my favourite time.of day with him. school time. we travel to the school by car and spend 10 mins sitting in the car reading his school books and just generally relaxing. we then pop into his nannas (my mums) and she sniffs his teeth. its a ritual they've had going for months now. she announces they smell beautiful and teeth are sparkling. he also says ive done my gums as.well nanna and she always says i can see you have they look wonderful. then he gives her a.kiss and a cuddle and we walk the rest of the way to school. he goes in at 8.45 am and youngest dont go in till 9 am. xdh comes.round every morning to take youngest to school and i get special time with a. but that part of the day is lovely. he got upset this morning cos x took him and refused to take him to nanna's. she lives less than a.minute.from school so when i got there, a told me and i said come on then if youre quick. to which.x went ballistic saying i told him no. so i hissed at him so you like sending your child into school bawling his eyes out and.upset do you, for the sake of 30 seconds with his nanna in a morning. you ought to be ashamed of yourself! we saw nanna and stilk got back into.school yard for.doors.opening.

maybe i shouldnt have undermined him, but i dont like my boys going in upset for the sake of 1-2 minutes spent with his nanna.
i will make changes, subtle ones, not sledgehammers. i dont think he'll cope with much more upheaval.

just a thought, maybe i am already doinf 1-2-1,in the car, in a morning. but i will change bedtime.routine at wknds for him, gives us some more time, even if its just to cuddle without youngest buttin in.

thanks natural horse. and polly. and rianon. youve all been a great help and i do appreciate it.

you know what - i think in time it will be alright - youve really cheered me up and given me hope for his welbeing (and mine)

xxxxx : D
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done

Posts: 1,193

Reg: May 30th 2010

Thanks: 107 / 11

  • Send private message

10

Tuesday, October 8th 2013, 1:44am

Oh those mornings sound great Jade glad you cheered up a bit. Hope you also have some support yourself maybe your Mum?

xx Rianon

  • "thejadematthews" started this thread

Posts: 1,614

Reg: Aug 1st 2009

Location: burton on trent

Children: 4 boys 3 living 1 deceased

What's Up?
Life is getting there - mainly good days

Thanks: 114 / 32

  • Send private message

11

Tuesday, October 8th 2013, 7:59am

hi rianon,

yeah my mum supports me , bless her but shes 72, so a bit outdated and cant give me up to date advice. so really appreciate all the suggestions on here :-)

rhanks again

jade xxx
After a long hard infertility journey, i am now reluctantly done